eyes ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[option 3]

I am wondering what all the people who come here think of what they have found. Do you like? What should I add? LET ME KNOW ok?
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I heard the guestbook isn't always working! If you can't sign it, email me


I managed to get my insurance working again and now I am taking sntibiotics (amoxicillin & clavulanic acid) to help strengthen the bacteria and destroy the human race MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! before you all EVOLE into something even WORSE!

Amoxicillin? Wasn't that a Grateful Dead album? and clavulanic acid is a new one on me...hey wait a minute... ACID... Now it all makes sense, man! That must've been why I had those weird drams about doing drugs last night. And I thought it was all because of the Risperdal I ate. Yes, I decided to try out the mental patient drug Risperdal they have been trying to get me to take for the past month. I ate one tonight too.

I've been noticing recently I've been getting bored with the internet in general. I don't even enjoy updating my own site, usually. I kind of got in the mood now though. I actually broke down and smoked pot today. So I'm back to day 0 of not smoking pot! It was kind of annoying on the way home casue I had to keep reminding myself "no, they're not laughing at me" "no, they're not talking about me" etc. Once in a while it was real though. One "brave" soul called me a "pussy" - behind my back, across the street, as we were both hurtling at 20 feet/second in opposite directions. Wow what a lot of courage THAT must've took! Theoretically I suppose I was supposed to turn around, go out of my way, take time out of my day to chase down some punk 15 year old black kid for calling me a "pussy". Ah well. I had better things to do. Like eat! I had the munchies you know. Somehow the word "whang" had gotten itself stuck in my still-partially-stoned mind. Not "wang" like a penis, mind you, but "whang" like the sound it might make if you, say, hit a telephone wire with a metal rod over and over again repeatedly. Now that I'm here, I might as well had you a wang-a-riffic wang-a-rama of "whang"-related links:

A children's art show called the Whang exhibit! Is this even legal?
Index of Whang. hmmmmm...
Index of Whang PICS! Yipe!
A 116 inch Whang??!!!

I'm bored already.

Heh heh. Heh. hehheh. heh heh. heh. He said "whang".

One more thing: Why would there be a hair care company called popehair? The Pope has less hair than almost ANYBODY! Geez people.


GOD DAMN I woke up sick again this morning. I was so worried I went to the doctor, where I found that I have no insurance coverage. So now I have a bill to look forward to. They prescribed antibiotics, which I can't afford. God bless America! Actually I feel a lot better after getting out on a bike searching for a pharmacy that's open. Guess I won't drop dead quite yet. Maybe I'll last another couple of weeks! If I stop posting for a long time and then my site suddenly vanishes, you know what happened.

Verizon was a complete piece of shit all day yesterday. I could stay online for about 15 minutes at a pop in the morning. Late in the morning I noticed a donkey up on a ladder outside working on the horizontal black thing known as a 'can' on the phone line. Well, 'working' is really kind of a loose description of what was going on. It appeared that he was repeatedly striking the wire about a foot away from the can with a metal rod. I wondered in bemused befuddlement just what he hoped to accomplish. Soon, there was an ogre on the ground who was wider than he was tall bellowing up at the donkey on the ladder, who was braying back down at him in protest. He seemed kind of an effeminate donkey. I shook my head and withdrew back into the window. Later I went to see the movie 'The Mummy Returns'. Unfortunately, I was not in as much of a moron movie mood as the day before, so I was blown away by how ridiculous the plot was. It was kind of funny how they were semi spoofing the genre of 'adventuree' movies but it hurt of you tried to use your brain during the movie cause all in all it was really kinda Stoopid. There were some fun special effects: The Army of Anubis reminded me of a horde of black Wile E. Coyotes. They were funny. More kewel 2001 CGI; not much substance. Typical summer fodder. ah well. I still want to see 'Planet of the Apes' though. And some other ones. I suppose I have to pace myself better with these summer movies. 2 days in a row tends to make your brain deflate.

Last night after I returned, Verizon was up to it's old trix again. I guess going up on a ladder and beating the shit out of the wire only works for half a day! I made the mistake of calling tech support where some Irish guy spent 80 minutes with me uninstalling and reinstalling things. He left me with my DSL software uninstalled and unable to be reinstalled, basically all but called me stupid for paying $40 a month for Verizon, and put me on the 'level 2 queue'. The 'level 2 queue' turned out to be a torture method in which your ears are alternately crushed by the phone as you listen to THE SAME SONG PLAYED OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER for about 4 hours. I fired up Doom of all things - hadn't played THAT in over a YEAR, but HOW FITTING! - and played that for 3 of the hours and then got bored and cleverly reset my modem by turning off the cmputer and the modem and waiting for a little while (it really doesn't work any more unless I WAIT - I'm not superstitious. It's bad luck to be superstitious you know), and then when I fired everything up it detected my DSL connection and installed the software. I surfed around online a bit to see how long it would last (30 minutes this time!) and then decided to hang up the phone after a marathon 5½ hours (!!!!!!!!!!) on the phone with verizon, 4 hours on HOLD! Today Verizon is being good. I haven't gotten booted off yet, and I've been on for almost a whole HOUR! woo fucking hoo!

5/3/1, only later

I took myself out on a date tonight. We like us. Nothing special: just 'dinner and a movie'. At first, I was afraid I was going to stand me up, but then I finally arrived and we went out. We rode a bicycle downtown and ate in a Mexican restaurant full of yuppies. The food was very good, but I know a better place. Then we went out to see the movie 'Spy Kids' which was recommanded to me by a 4-year-old girl who started talking to me at a party in New York. She was the coolest person in the place. Later, an 'adult' friend of mine also recommended it. So: It was VERY visually entertaining. CGI in the year 2001 really kicks some major ass. Just about anything you can imagine can be computer animated nowadays. There was a strong, even heavy handed, underlying message that a family should stay together but this did not really annoy me as much as I'd have thought it would. Definitely it was a 'kids movie' but it was a good one. Maybe tomorrow I'll see 'The Mummy Returns' cause I liked the first one. Also I noticed on a movie poster that Tim Burton is doing a remake of 'Planet of the Apes' which will be out in midsummer. That should be a good watch too. I like moronic movies that are fun to look at. Probably that is because I am a moron.



There is no reason for me. I just am.


Yesterday a friend of mine said she was going to kill herself. I replied 'No you aren't!' and she was like 'How do you know? I was thinking about it this morning.' So I said 'Well, I've thought about it a whole BUNCH of times and I'm still alive.' So we hung out for a few hours and anded up getting in several yelling matches. Such are people. You people are wayyy too much trouble. Always coming up with some way to try and make me feel like shit. Listen here chumps: I don't care when dogs BARK at me. I don't care when cats MEOW at me. I don't care when birds CHIRP at me. SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CARE WHEN YOU PEOPLE TALK SHIT TO ME?? Shut the fuck up!

I got sidetracked there for a minute. Today I was thinking what if she really DID kill herself? Would I feel bad? Would I blame myself? I know I would have had it happened a few years ago. I've been thinking about how my feelings are kind of missing any more. Like my heart just got tired of feeling and died. People talk about having a 'broken heart'. Well, mine is REALLY broken, like a watch that's been dropped too many times. Not painful, just broken. There's nothing there any more. I probably wouldn't care no matter WHO killed themselves, really. What I wonder is - why don't MORE people kill themselves? It's not like everyone's life is worth living. Probably no one's is. I know mine isn't. Some people seem to get off on *pretending* their life is worth living, but I don't believe it. Still, I can't shake the idea that being dead is even worse than being alive. Why else would all living things instinctively fear or at least avoid death? Yep. We all have something really incredibly nasty to look forward to after this variably shitty life we are trudging through now. Have a nice day!

I finally decided to go to the doctor today after being sick for a couple of weeks. Guess what?
She was out sick.

Maybe I SHOULD kill myself. You know? After all, I AM tired of watching other people *seem* to enjoy themselves, all the while knowing that I NEVER will be able to again with my dead heart. There is an upside though. I don't feel fear any cmore. Over the last month, I
1) put out a fire with my coat
2) had a gun pointed at my neck
3) fell 20 feet off a ladder
and felt no fear. Pretty exciting huh? Well, not if you can't get excited it isn't...
I think the real reason I don't kill myself is that I could really give a shit whether I live or die. I just truly honestly don't care.

4/28/1, only later

I just sat here typing for 30 minutes. All of a sudden, my screen went black, only to return momentarily, minus wordpad (this file is WAY to big for notepad to open). Needless to say, every trace of the last 30 minutes was wiped clean. Fuck if I'm going to sit here another 30 minutes trying to recreate everything that was lost. Something about still being sick I guess, and having to work tomorrow probbaly STILL sick.

How about this? It's a first-hand account of a head-hunting expedition!

Have a link to Molly's site cause I lifted this image of snails in love from her without telling and even though she probably took it from somewhere ELSE I just thought I'd use this as an excuse to link her. So go there. You'll probably like it.

Also check out Hate The Mainstream just cause.


On a sad note: It seems Jessicka has really stopped talking to me! We were getting along so marvelously well, but then she turned on me like a rabid pit bull! It was as if a whole other person was typing for her in AIM. She was always still herself on the phone though. It all seems to be wound up in some kind of guilt trip that's supposed to make me feel like I did wrong. I really thought you were better than that, Jessicka. Not that you read this anyway :P

Who knows. Maybe we will begin talking again at some point in the future. Maybe not. Curiously enough, I am still listed on her list of friends. I'm right there on the bottom, probably because I was the latest addition. I suppose when I am gone from there, I'll know for sure it's all over ;)

'til then, amuse yourself with some pics I took last night over at the Snab's with my camera (which works - on HER computer!):

a reflective pose - you can almost see your face!

Once when I was about 13 I had a nightmare in which all the pores in my face became REALLY REALLY HUGE! Whoops! Looks like it came true!

It's a Bnib and a Snib looking pret-ty Frazzled!.!.!.!

OoooOOooo Lookit those all those Shexie nose hairs! Owch!

aauugh! GOD DAMN snib put your damn SHOES back on!

Hope you enjoyed our little show. We forgot to include Snib's cat 'Chewy' though! Maybe next time...



well would you look at that! My new (as of 1 month ago) cam actually WORKS..on snib's computer. All I need now is a new computer. Well new insides anyway. I have been putting off upgrading for a couple of years now. Now there is one less reason to hold out. Turns out the 'open host' style USB I have here doesn't put out enough power to work the high quality 3com cam I splurged on last winter, after it had occurred to me that if anyone knew what the best cam you can get is, it would be Nay (and that's her eye up there next to the big BNIB eye above too). So I was like 'My what a nice Cam you have what kind is it?' and she told me: she uses a logitech and a 3com - but the one that took the pic of the nayeye was the 3com. So whoosh I was off to the store to spend my hard-earned money on a damn cam which is causing me to need an upgrade all the more painfully. Damn it why can't ~I~ be a 14-year-old with rich parents???

Other bnib news: I have been VERY sick all this week. Today I feel *almost* healthy. The worst day was Tuesday. I literally thought I was about to die. Funny the thoughts that run thru your head when you are unable to breathe. My throat had closed up to a pinhole and it took no less than 15 seconds to draw each gurgling mucousy breath. I managed to get downstairs in time to mix a huge spoonful of red hot cayenne pepper into some cold water and guzzle the shit down, sending my body into purgative spasms. Soon my head and lungs had somewhat cleared, but I was still in for a couple of days of feeling like shit. 2 more cayenne treatments later I only felt half like shit, and after a nice codeine-induced sleep I was feeling somewhat ok. Today I was actually able to get on my new bike (it's mountain-bike style and it's purple and black!) and go get a chain and lock for it and get Mr Tuffys to line the tires so I can ride over broken glass, rusty beer cans, used needles, and other common debris of the urban wasteland which is my present stomping ground. I have to be careful though. People actually have said 'nice bike' to me as I rode past so I always carry it upstairs and keep it locked up in my place instead of merely downstairs where anybody with a pair of bolt cutters might walk in the door which the stupid sheltered suburbanites who keep moving in here keep leaving unlocked. So far I have never caught anyone red handed leaving the damn door open like a moron. Compared to a 10-speed, which is what I'm used to riding, I notice a lower top speed probably due to smaller wheel radius, and more street resisitance, probably due to the fatter tires. Also the handlebars are a little wide for my liking, as I can't slip neatly between cars as easily as I could on my old bike. It all takes some getting used to, I guess.

Welcome, Jamie, to the THQ camportal! I don't know a whole lot about the guy other than what I gathered from reading his site. He seems to be from Buffalo, yet doesn't know Jessicka, and goes to school at SUNY Potsdam which seems to be located in the far northern end of upstate NY.


well. I'm back. heh.

I went out house sitting -sort of- in Queens. I had other plans too but the first night all I could do was SLEEP. I was soo tired. I did manage to get out to NJ to visit family (who moved there AFTER I left the house - ~I~ am not from New Jersey! feh!) on the second day and that's not as uncomfortable as it used to be, thankfully. Day 3 I returned to NYC and hit Queens to feed the cats/water the plants/yada yada and then it was onward to RUBULAD for the party/show! I had been misinformed that Bardo Pond was going to be on REALLY early so I showed up accordingly. After a bit, I decided to help 'set-up' and wound up not only passing the 2-3 hours before the party started, I never was asked to pay. This was an old, often-used trick of mine before I had money to spend, and it was kind of fun to do it again. There's something a little more fulfilling when you are in on even a small part of the prep work instead of being a mere pay-drone (pay-tron?). The last half hour or so before the party there was kind of nothing left for me to do so I soaked up some ambience before all the people came and ruined everything. I *hate* crowds, and I wasn't in the mood to get wasted enough to put up with hordes of humanity. Bardo Pond was ok. Well they were quite good actually. I was expecting REALLY EXCELLENT so they just *seemed* 'ok'. Whenever I expect REAL EXCELLENCE from anything at any time I am guaranteed to be let down. The first 2 songs were actually REALLY GOOD and the last one was also noteworthy. Everyone else seemed to enjoy them immensely, so I guess it was the bleak mood I found myself in that watered down the situation. What was even more interesting is THEY ARE THE BAND I HEAR PRACTICING SOMETIMES WHEN I GO OUTSIDE!! Yes. They are my neighbors. We live on the same block. Just goes to show what a hermit I am. I won't be seeing much of them soon though since they are all going to Europe on a tour next month. I thought I was going to leave right after they finished but instead I put up with being at a party I didn't feel like being at for over an hour, for reasons unclear. I went back to Candi's apartment in Queens and crashed out at around 3ish. She had come home in the meantime and already was asleep so we didn't get to hang out until today. We went to these botanical gardens at Flushing Corona Park (the one with the big huge globe) and ate yummy delicious Afghani food. umm mmm yum! I had a longish fighting-to-stay-awake type drive home and yes I made it back yet again without a wreck! I need a new front axle though. One of my CV's is making horrible noises whenever I make a hard left turn. OUCH! heh I can get it done for $60 so no prob lem mon. bleh! I MUST sleep. I found my favorite Bardo Pond song from the show online and I intend to make it the mp3 of the moment...tomorrow. **zzzzzzz...


Yesterday was my brother's birthday! He turned 28, just like FemCenobite. They were born on the exact same day as each other. Imagine that! I met someone who was born 1 day before me but never on the exact same day.

I'm going up to New York today! I'm going to be house-sitting and feeding someone's CATS and watering her PLANTS. As an extra added bonus, Bardo Pond is playing at RUBULAD on 4/20! As you probably know, '420' is the Marin Co, CA police code for 'marijuana smoking in progress'. Today I learned a new piece of 4/20 trivia: April 20 was Adolf Hitler's birthday!!! Yikes! Who knew?

I am going to be gone. So gone. Until Saturday (the only day of the week with a 'turd' in it). So don't expect any updates before then. Sorry.


Wow. What a weird mood I must've been in yesterday. Not eating or sleeping enough I guess. Anyway it looks like I'm going to make it to New Jersey after all. later.


Oh my God! Now is a PAY SITE! Imagine that.

I didn't update here all day on Good Friday the 13th. Must be because I posted here instead. Blame Lisa for turning me on to that place. I also got me one of these. They seem kind of limiting to me, Notepad snob that I am, being used to pure, free-form HTML. I suppose I may integrate them into the rest of the THQ cyber empire eventually...

I've sat home all day surfing the web in between figuring out how to use these preformatted 'live journal' type thingys. Lookee here at (some of) what the cat dragged in:

the Carotene Experiment - Kim decided to see for herself if it was really true that you'll turn ORANGE from eating nothing but carrots for 30 days. Full of very interesting and exciting info, emails, interviews, and GOOD WRITING! yummydelicious! I love.

tx3 - Usually I don't dig e/n sites any more, but this one was a fun read.

the Bizarre Pages - This is what I liked to find when I was first discovering the internet. Some good weird stuff. I'd already seen a lot of it though. But then there's the stuff I HADN'T seen already...

Mused - this is a good site too...HEY! Wait a minute! This is suspiciously like *snifffff* E/N!! *mumble* *grumble* hrmmmm.... well I still like it damnit!

Page of Miscellaneous - My My yes it's true. Amazing isn't it. I've come full circle. I LIKE E/N SITES AGAIN!!! The shit that happens when I quit drinking...

the Stile Project - not that this guy needs (or would even probably NOTICE) a link from me, but I went to his site again today and was pleased enough with its inimitable quality that I really thought I should throw a stile link here.

...and last but certainly not least, Semenex, an amazing product that...well...go see what it does for yourself! ;)

I smoked a lot of cigarettes today. My head hurts. Owch. Game Over.

Not so fast... see, I couldn't sleep. That pesky insomnia again. I read over some more e/n sites after I quit trying to sleep and it's still the same small world of all the 'cool' sites interlinking each other. Sure, they're some new blood, but mostly it's the same-old-same-old, maybe with a few new writers added onto some of the sites. Seems to me what I like about the style is the (mostly) pointless text with links embedded in it like lumps in mashed potatoes. Not so much all the porn (which bores me to tears) and the death (which is *a little* more entertaining) and the just plain weirdness (which is FUN anyoldway, not matter WHAT format it's contained in), but the way somebody is rambling on about nothing in particular with (un)useful links scattered throughout. I really don't know why exactly but I still like it. For now. Just like I did last spring...Still, it'll be good for me to get away from this mess (home and the computer) next week like I'm planning. Even tomorrow (nope. that would be today. It's 5:08 AM and I STILL haven't slept) I am supposed to go away for the day. I only hope I don't ~fail to wake up~ after I finally, at long last, fall asleep.


ah what a week. What a weak week it is being. I overate last night in a BIG way. I don't think I've eaten that much at one aitting since..I dunno..maybe 3 or 4 Thanksgivings ago. It was all crap food too. A whole box of macncheese. An entire can of peas. And a can of tuna thrown in for good measure. Plus that whole stick of butter and the milk yada yada yada. I did chop up 3 cloves of fresh garlic and throw it in to offset the deadness of the 'meal'. Thought it would last me 2 or even 3 eatings, but NOOOO! I ate the whole damn concoction all at once. Soon, I was fast asleep, only to be awakened 2-3 hours later by some shit that was being forcibly ejected from within me by the sheer p ressure of all that food! I staggered down to the toilet amidst poisonous-looking hallucinations (from that weird orange cheese powder no doubt) and crapped out what looked like a cubic foot of soil into the toilet, which promptly clogged when I tried to flush it. The next 5 minutes were spent doing plunger battle with the sewer gods. I finally got the stuff to pass on into the netherworld and climbed my weary way back upstairs, where I proceeded to sleep a nonstop marathon 11 hours! I thought for sure I would look noticeably bloated, even fat, but today I was looking my usual semi-to-middling-trim if not svelte self. I guess it really is the alcohol that has the horrid bloating effect on me. For the last 2-3 days I keep haing this urge to go out and get beer or even harder stuff, but when I get to the bar or liquor store or beer store (yesterday) or even BEFORE I LEAVE (today) I realize I'm just not 'in the mood' so I make use of my time food shopping or feeding my newly recurrant tobacco addiction. Either way, I wind up not drinking, and my body has become a bulemic's dream of apparent weight loss. It's lovely. I am not going out much since I dislike people to the point where I can only stand to be in their presence while drinking, and since I'm never 'in the mood' as stated above any more, I wind up entertaining myself in such ways as making stuff like this and posting it here or else looking at this goofy thing too many times so that the song gets stuck in my head and I whistle it to myself in my car on my non-beer runs and as I walk through the aisles wondering why the hell I am there since I already have enough food and cigarettes left over from yesterday! Then I go and buy live crickets for the resident snapping turtle Puti (don't look at me I didn't name the poor thing) or "C" batteries for the last appliance on Earth which takes them, namely our kitchen clock. Well this sure has been most utterly boring post here in a while, but I just thought I'd let you know what's up, if you care, and I wish I could go to sleep right now, but alas, I cannot.


I had to look at my watch to learn what date it is. I am so alcohol poisoned I don't know whether I should shit or puke! Maybe I should just finish this beer and go to sleep...I can still write HTML though! Maybe that's what makes a true professional. Given a choice (on the NJ turnpike), I always pick the 'Trucks/Buses/Cars' side instead of the 'Cars Only' side. I figure the people who are afraid to drive alongside 18 wheelers are SCARED, and NOTHING is scarier than a SCARED driver. At least when you're on the truck side, you're dealing with PROFESSIONALS, people who can fall asleep at the wheel and STILL drive 2½ more hours...people who know so well what they're doing that even in a state of semi consciousness they can still ARRIVE ALIVE, as they used to say. More later, maybe...


It's Jessicka's birthday today! Go email her and wish her a happy one!

Last night the Snib and I went out to eat at a disapponting restaurant known as Zocalo, located at 36th and Lancaster in West Philly. First off, they really should change their name to Zapatas, since their food tastes kind of like what I expect SHOES would taste like. I haven't tasted shoes ever, but I bet they wouldn't taste like much. I have never had more flavorless mexican food anywhere. Taco Bell's food might taste nasty, but at least it tastes like SOMETHING! I have tasted more flavorful matza crackers. I had no idea that mexican food could be made to have so little flavor. I had the spinach enchiladas. They must have started with canned spinach and then boiled it for about 2 days to rid it of all the flavor. Popeye would have cried in his plate over this shit. Then it might have tasted *a little* better. Conversation inspired by this *cough* "meal" ranged from which restaurants in Philly were even worse than this one (believe it or not there are -a couple- but they aren't NEARLY as expensive) to what was the worst food poisoning we ever had (hers was when a couple of old hippes went 'dumpster diving' and didn't tell her til after; mine was when some guy with an ileostomy bag had been careless -or maybe malicious- while preparing the food). There were these weird 'seeds' in the food which looked remarkably like oversize mouse turds. Maybe they were Rat turds? I didn't eat any. Maybe I should have. The food may have wound up tasting better. The obviously embarrassed waitress was nice so I gave her a fat tip (as a cab driver, gotta keep that tip karma flowin' :) ) but all in all it was a very bad experience which I will never never ever in my entire life repeat. The best Mexican food in the area -hands down- in in Willow Grove at a place called Tortilla's on Rte 263 just north of the Willow Grove Mall. It's in the frikkin SUBURBS and is 1/3 the price and has infinitely better food. I guess the proprietors of Zocalos are cashing in on the fears of the nearby Penn and Drexel students, who are always in search of eats that are nearby and 'safe' The university media are always playing up on how 'dangerous' the surrounding areas are, no doubt to stir up business for the subpar restaurants nearby. Just so you know, a taxi driver was SHOT IN THE FACE right in front of the UPenn campus police station last month and THEY NEVER FOUND OUT WHO DID IT!!! Just goes to show you how 'safe' they are keepng their shitty little plastic bubble. And to think those rent-a-cops have just been given the right to hand out TRAFFIC TICKETS (their wet dream come true). The bastards. They should all be incinerated alive. And I should get to watch!



I went and bought the webcam and it doesn't work. Either BOTH my USB ports are shot even though the computer finds them or else something is fundamentally wrong with my motherboard (it IS kind of old and there's that pesky DMA controller driver not being found error that WILL NOT DIE no matter how many times I try and install the drivers off the disk that came with the mb). I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to buy a new motherboard (and while I'm at it new RAM and a new CPU) just to have the webcam work but now that I've already sunk $139 into a really hyper-slick 3com webcam endorsed by none other than her ultrawebcamness Nay I feel it's about time for a long-overdue upgrade. Maybe I'll hook my old box up with one of those woooweee 1 Gigahertz CPUs but I doubt if I'll want to spend that much - I'll go for an 800 Mhz or something instead cause I'm a cheap bastard.

oh yeah I almost forgot today was the very first day I didn't have to work AND it was a nice day on the same day and guess what - SOMEBODY STOLE MY BIKE BEFORE I EVEN WOKE UP so I didn't even get to go for a bike ride. How horrid! And the worst part is there's only 15 hrs 52 mins to go til I have to work again I really really wish I could sleep but somehow I can't even though I am dead tired.. It feels like I'm being raked over the coals endlessly - no end in sight - I'm almost ready for that bottle of whiskey and sixpack of heroin bags ride into a beautiful unending sleep but I can't shake the idea that death will be even WORSE than life so I hold back. Sorry but I had to tell someone.

On a better note, I wound up hanging out with Jessicka on AIM and then we even TALKED ON THE PHONE for a little bit and I felt soooo much better as if my broken spirit had been healed by hearng her voice. Her accent didn't sound like I expected at all but then again I never heard a Buffalo NY accent before that I know of. Still all the nervousness I felt while the phone rang instantly disappeared when she answered and I felt like I knew her already. It was weird - in a good way! Jessicka you rock!!!

As for shaving my head - I probably won't. Lisa, whose site is radically changed nearly EVERY TIME I go there, asked me 'why not just let it grow'? And I thought 'hmmm why not indeed'? I haven't had long hair since 1998 so I might as well have it again this summer. Besides it stopped itching after I washed it. Being so removed from human existance as I have become, it's easy to forget such simple things. Really I should get back in the habit of such things as taking showers, eating, sleeping, and all those other things my body wants to do that I tend to forget about in my preoccupation. Heh - maybe I'll even get GOOD SEX out of the deal, you know, the kind like I used to have back in the day, where you're not both drunk off your asses, and you actually are able to COME, and you even stay in touch with each other after the following day. Sex has become such a distasteful thing in the forms it has taken of late, when it happens at all. No wonder I had to be drunk or fucked up otherwise to get myself into it. I hope I make enough money in the next few weeks to quit my job for a while. It's killing me. Truly it is. 15 hrs 31 mins to go til I have to be back *sigh*


I'm thinking of shaving my head again. I'm sick of having hair. It makes my head itch. I keep having to WASH it. It's getting too long. It's annoying. The last time I shaved my head (2/15/96) people kept making dumb jokes like 'what did you JOIN??' or else 'what'd you do, lose a bet?'. This guy has a shaved head. He's going to get a better job than I ever will. He tries harder. I suffer from acute failure to give a shit, so I drive a cab. If I shaved my head, people might think I'm a nazi. Do they still have Nazi skinheads on this planet? I never see any any more. Maybe I should have 'OI VEY' tattooed on the back of my head so that no one will mistake me for a Nazi.

I was once diagnosed with 'schizophrenia'. No I don't have multiple personalities. Read the DSM-IV dumbass. Although they were only up to the IIIr back then. I've been in 'remission' for a while. It feels like it's coming back. I like it though. I am quite removed from the human race thankyouverymuch. I truly feel I am not one of you any more. It's like I am watching you from behind a screen that lets me somehat into the show, like you're all part of my dream, a hologram. While it's not exactly fun, it's usually quite nice.

Last night I was flashed by a WOMAN. That was quite nice. She was on Lombard St around 8th or 9th. I had a fare in the cab so I didn't stop. I was like 'all right!!' but didn't take it any further than that. She saw me smiling and smiled back. The guy in back probably liked that I didn't waste his time being a dog so he tipped me ok in the end.

My feet stink. There's weird shit growing in between my toes.

Yesterday I was thinking if I ever commit suicide a good way to do it would be with a nuclear device. That way I could take out an entire city when I go. Given a choice, I would destroy L.A. Of all the places I have been, that one is the biggest shit hole of all. It would be very satisfying to wipe it from the face of the earth.

Today, I feel quite nice. Quite nice. I feel quite nice.


Nothing like your computer turning into a pumpkin after a night of binge drinking! I had to reinstall windows TWICE; now everything seems to be working except the camera. That 'Blithering Idiot' picture down there might be the very last picture it took (sound of 'Taps' playing). It was a GOOD camera...Hey wait a minute! NO IT WASN'T! (sound of needle ripping across record) Look at how GRAINY the pictures it took are! And they were always like that - right from the get - go! Not like this picture here:
I mean Lookit that! You can see the PORES on her EYELID! *swoons*

Yah I collect eyes. I have quite an extensive collection. Ever uploaded an image of your eye (just your eye) onto the internet? Maybe I have it. Yes, I do. It's right here. (digs thru a smooshy bag and pulls out something...BLOODY....AND GROSS...AAAAAAAAA!!!) btw that pic below wasn't really taken when I had only had 6 oz of Blithering Idiot. I mean - how could I possibly look that drunk under those circumstances? I must have pulled the empty bottle out further into the night and snapped a picture. I don't remember really well. Such is a night of binge drinking. One thing to remember: Never Binge Drink and Go Online: you might break your cam. That said. Good-bye for today.


Blithering Idiot! I mean the beer, not the human, wise guy!
yay another yummy beer has been found. As a cab driver, you meet upon all kinds of random information. It's kind of like web surfing, only more real. ANYWAY -- I had an ENTIRE STYLE of beer recommended to me. Barley Wine style Ale. On this, a night off, I went "in search of". Enter "BLITHERING IDIOT". Recommended to me at my favorite local rare beer store as one that's really good if you already like barleywine, and being not at all faint of heart (especially when it comes to beer), I grabbed it and another barleywine that I haven't started yet. mmm yummy! tastes like bark and a little bit of sugar (and that's good in case you don't know). GOD DAMN it must have the alcohol content from hell cause half way thru the mere 12 oz bottle I already felt the buzz. And my alcohol tolerance is no joke! To quote an email I sent someone from earlier this week,

All this while I was all logy with hangover (from this yummmeeee banana lambic, some Sri Lankan stout, a big ol' bottle of Chimay, ½ a 5th of Jim Beam[guess that's a 10th], and 2 pints of Guiness for dessert! Told you I'd be wasting my time in other ways...). I was just too beat get pissed off about the situation, so they magically got real nice to me. Maybe I should call verizon 'customer care' with an extreme hangover more often!
so as you can see I'm quite the drinker so it's really saying something when 6 oz of ANYTHING gets the buzz on. Over the last week, I've been added to 2 cam portals, and actually had someone come wanting to be on mine! Now I don't believe in astrology. Like Jim Morrison, I'm a Sagittarius, the most philosophical of all the signs. But, frankly, I think it's all a bunch of bullshit, myself. That said, when the sun is in Pisces it's a really great time to get wasted, especially if you have Saturn retrograde in Pisces (like me). It's almost as if you get rewarded for how fucked up you get! Now I want to move 2 edits I did to 'index.html' to here just cause they really don't belong there now do they? Here goes!

Well well what a thing to wake up to! After a COMPLETELY BADASS fuggin night of driving a cab, making more money than I did on New Years Eve (well that's not saying much as it was the very worst new years eve EVER), I went to sleep and woke to find I'm on yet ANOTHER cam portal. This one is the violeteyes cam portal, and Jessicka even has a little 31 x 88 mecha exchange size banner to use for it. It looks kinda like this:

I already put a link (complete with 88x31banner) to her domain,, below in my bunch of links I like to keep down there. And I'm on portal #2 this time. Check it out - I'm completely surrounded by hot women! It's downright orgiastic! Jessicka says I should grow a goatee or something. Well -- I used to have one. A couple of years ago I got rid it. It was kind of long too. Damn! If only I could find the pictures of it you would be able to see them! I'm sure they will turn up soon.

Sinnocence was so kind as to add me to her cam portals recently. I'm on portal #9 in case you care. Go check her site out. Also she is 'Cattitude' of the Catty Goths (Reality Check) which is a must-see. I usually bust up laughing when I go there and read their shreds of peoples' sites. I love things that make me laugh.
On a related note, I added Kitty (Sinnocence) to my own recently reworked 'camarama' area too. It's nowhere near as extensive as her 90-ish cam extravanganza but go and have a look-see. I was actually proud of myself (and that's rare) after I spruced it up, so look, damnit!. I'm thinking I should add more damn camns to it, so if you want yours to be in there, you should email me.
I'm still accepting other people's dreams for my other people's dreams page so send some in if you want.


I never thought I would be glad to be on DIALUP. Actually after 2 days my internet jones had subsided to the point where I didn't feel my heart sinking thru the floor every morning when I woke and realized that it was really true for real that my DSL connection was shot and that I couldn't even reinstall my old dialup modem since the drivers had somehow walked since I had installed the damn thing the first time. Finally I found the damn things on a CD when I was looking for something else. Normally this would have straight up solved the problem but noooooo my CD drive is shot and thinks it has no CD in it even when it does! So I wound up borrowing a friend's CD drive and installed my modem only to find that my version of NetZero is too old and it won't work after November 20 2000 or some other long-past day. FUCK!!! fuckfuckfuck het those keys are all handily close together so that even 4 fingered typists like me can easily type it! fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck hahahahaha!! ok where was I? oh yeah. Then I realized I had downloaded a newer netzero install file and split it with this prog known as splitf.exe ito 4 parts to fit it onto 4 floppy disks for someone and I STLL HAD THEM so I installed the new joint and yayyy it worked so here I am on dialup but still here nonetheless. I'm just sslloowweerrrrrrrr. Mid month I should be up to speed (eh a pun) if those lying bastards at Verizon are being out of character and not feeding me bullshit to humor me into not calling them up and bitching at their uninformed, incompetent, robotic employees. Actually I'm suer they don't ever get told what's really up so I can't totally hold it against them. But something smells like rotten fish shit when you find that the reason you won't have DSL for 9-10 days (or 1-2 weeks, to quote another source) is because we have to wait for the PAPERWORK to go through! ooooo paperwork! make way for the paper! the world stops turning for paper. Who do these knuckleheads think they are anyway? the GOVERNMENT?? The glacier-like bureaucratic wheels grind on in the ax-war against the evil trees who hoard up all the paper inside their bark so the bureaucrats can't get at it! Since the fall of the USSR, SOMEBODY has to pick up the slack and give the lumberjacks something to do! And -speaking of the USSR- Does anybody here know how many time zones there were in the Soviet Union?


hmmm. it's 3...2...1....

I'm always mildly surprised any more when I wake up and the world is still there. My lack of trust has finally succeeded in reaching beyond the bounds of merely losing faith in humanity and extended to loss of faith in the very fabric of reality. The last few days, I half expected to find a swirling, misty oblivion outside instead of the bleak tragedy that is north philadelphia. Honestly, it's kind of a letdown when the world is still there. I have been thinking of extending my workweek to be 5-6 or even 7 days a week since over the last few weeks of 2 days work and nearly endless free time in between I have realized I just don't enjoy people, parties, drinking, and live music as much as I remembered. Life makes much more sense when it's a surreal expanse of dark streets and random passengers. Soon I will be be dead and rid of the lot of you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tomorrow night I'm going to a benefit for radio volta to be around a lot of old ex-friends and ex-enemies who have surprised me by being somewhat friendly to me the last few times I saw them. Could be it's only because I have been unsocial for so long that I am unfamiliar. I'm not even sure what they are 'protesting' any more. Here are blind anarchos trying to hold onto some perceived notion of a 'scene' that I was only very marginally a part of (if at all) 5-10 years ago. Even then they were taking themselves way too seriously while I was happily getting fucked up on whatever drugs were available, fully wanting and believing that I would be long dead by now. But somehow I'm still alive. And... here they are, too! Still clinging onto...what? Can't they see that 'the man' is them and they are 'the man' and that if they bring down 'the government' (AS IF they could) SOMETHING EVEN WORSE would surely take over in its place. Sure things are always changing...for the worse. When's the last time you saw anything get better? The last time I saw anything get better was 11 12 years ago when I started doing acid, and that was probably only a hallucination. Soon we will all be dead and much less miserable. Soon I will be dead and finally, FINALLY be RID OF THE LOT OF YOU!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

3....2....1....ahhhhhhhhhh yesssss! peace.


I got my Residents 'Icky Flix' DVD in the mail today! All I need now is a DVD player...and a better video card. Damn that image looks like shit! Maybe I should get a better camera while I'm at it. Funny how DVDs look exactly like CDs. I always imagined they'd be thicker.

For some reason I am going to New Jersey. Must have been that dream I had the other night. Actually I have an appointment to keep with the scruffy skinny guy to get that 3-eyed snake piece done on my scalp. I'm going to have to get my head shaved again; my hair sure grew back awful fast! No really it was my father's birthday yesterday and I was going to go up there and visit. Then maybe I'd visit some friends who just moved to Roselle Park, wherever THAT is. One interesting coincidence: My father and Meenk have the same birthday! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN??? It means Meenk is 59 right? Perhaps not but sources say it was also raindog151 of IAHB's birthday. Now that's a good site I should go to more. Whenever I go there I enjoy myself but then I forget about it and don't go again for a month. Damn that site is so good I should link it! there. I did! god damnit! anyway look for more IAHB links soon on my pages of links 'cuz I'm gonna stick 'em on there too.

Speaking of going somewhere and not knowing where it is yet, has anyone else noticed how Yahoo Maps is all screwy any more? Here's an old story I never told you here before to illustrate the point: On one weirdly warm December night, the Snib and I were going to see this movie called 'Dungeons and Dragons' and since we were a couple of late-night stoners we needed a very LATE showing to cater to our extreme lateness. So what did I do? I went to or something and found out the only feasible showing was in Pensauken NJ. So I visited good ole Yahoo Maps and got some directions. Now I already knew how to get to Pennsauken (its over the Tacony Palmyra Bridge and down Rte 73 a piece damnit!) but I didn't know where this theater was and thought maybe Yahoo Maps was going to turn me on to a new amazing 'short way' when I saw that their directions were NOTHING AT ALL like the route I would have chosen aka 'the right way'. We hopped into my car and zipped over the Ben Franklin bridge (the big-ass blue one) and did a mini tour of that wretched little piece of shit across the river known as Camden.

Now if you live in Philadelphia, and you look out the window and the bleak cityscape that scrapes its way through your eyes squishes your heart you with a horrible suicidal sinking feeling, remember this, friend: at least you don't live in Camden! If this horrible decayed corpse of a town were a person, you mind find him in a leper colony, or maybe you could see pictures on Uh? Where was I? Oh yeah, after we traversed Camden with some creepy asshole 3 inches behind us with his brights on who WOULDN'T GO AROUND when we slowed down, we got to this 'warehouse district' which was actually kind of green! Camden might be a deep, festering, knife wound on the earth, but the infection hasn't spread as virulently across the surrounding skin as it has on this side of the river. I noticed our turn at the last minute and swerved out of the way of 'mr. up my ass' (who incidentally didn't follow us) and after another half mile the road dead-ended out at a bunch of dirtpiles and to add insult to injury a fucking RABBIT was hophopping across the confused beams of the headlights. a FUCKING RABBIT!!! and this fine spot was where the Yahoo directions had led us. So where's the movie theater? ummm... Hey, Rabbit! Fortunately I had the presence of mind to know kind of where we were. So we turned around and went back out to the River Road and kept following it up the river past the Betsy Ross bridge and then when we hit Rte 73 we turned east and lo and behold there was the frikking movie theater. We got our tickets and sat down just as the previews were ending! poifect!

Now back to modern times: You know how I mentioned that that Snib and I were 'late night stoners' awhile back? Well I am up to DAY 15 of not smoking pot! Halfway to the fabled 'clean piss day' also known as Day 30! yay for me! Apart from that I am spacey and tired and that must be why my writing style is too. Maybe I should eat. Yes! eat...


eeeiwww! I just woke up from dream filled with cockroaches! They were in my hair. in my car, in my MOUTH! ptooie! ick! ick! ick! I'm still feeling creepy crawly like things are walking on me under my clothes. I don't remember enough of the dream to post it here, though.


After we, we being that Snib and I, waited in the on-and-off drizzle for ½ hour the doors were opened. Since it was Philadelphia, everyone had to get patted down on the way in to make sure no one had any pistols, knives, axe handles, bayonettes, machine guns, hand grenades, or eyeball pokers on them and we got in and after a few tryout spots to sit in we decided to stand right in front of the stage, a little to the left of center. I figured they would be on in an hour (at 8:00) just like in New York 2 years ago but nooooooo they didn't go on til 9. Some drunk asshole came up and started talking WAY TOO LOUD right before they came on. I forgot how much I HATE crowds. Asshole KEPT talking too loud even as an eyeball walked out onto the stage and produced the new Residents DVD, Icky Flix, from indide of his tuxedo jacket, followed up by a remote! He walked into one of the two mottled mesh psychedelic looking booths which were having multicolored light shone on them throughout and slapped the DVD into a DVD player which was cleverly hidden inside. It didn't seem like it was going to work! this 'blue screen' which said DVD in the corner was being stubborn and wouldn't give way to whatever the eyeball wanted us to see! I was waiting for it to change into the infamous 'blue screen of Death', too familiar to all Windows users, but fortunately, the show began and then the eyeball actually TOOK HIS EYEBALL OFF (in case you didn't know, NOBODY KNOWS what the Residents look like even though they've been around since the '70s), as well as the tux jacket, but there was a disguise within a disguise, some kind of moleman suit, all black with white decorative strips sewn in to it and a pair of light yellow goggles with 3 flashlights shining off his head, one from each side and one from the top of his head. His face was of course completely covered with black cloth and then 3 more moleman suited residents appeared, entered the booths (2 residents in each of the 2 booths) and began to play along to the first DVD movie. The 'Skull Guy' (the frontman) made his appearance, in a new cool looking distorted skull with 1 eye socket being much larger than the other and 7 white poofy balls sticking out of its dome. This skull only covered his face down to the mouth and his lower jaw was grease painted black with white teeth painted onto his lower lip with fluoresced amber in the stage light. The She-resident (the frontWOman) followed shortly after, in a bright day-glo orange wig of long straight hair which matched her bright glowing lipstick and the orange parts of her paisley pants. She was wearing a glittery tube top and her outfit made her look sexy compared to what she was wearing the last time I saw her, even though she was wearing big yellow fisherman boots to complete the ensemble. Also she had on sunglasses which were white and shaped like hands. This tour is basically to promote the DVD which only costs $25 and I might even buy one even though I have no DVD player, to save for the future when I might get one. Or the future when I know someone who has one.

Anyway, the drunk guy... the fucking DRUNK guy.... that ass was yelling even as they were singing and since he was right next to me I leaned over in his ear and went 'shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' which made him calm down for like a minute tops and then he was back to his old shit. Another shhh had the same effect, then another, and then when he started up a 4th time this guy who was right in front of him turned around and was like 'hey will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?? We're TRYING to LISTEN to the fucking MUSIC here and YOU'RE LOUDER than IT is!' Sue Sniblet decided to pretend that we were still a 'couple' on a VD date, since it WAS VD (Valentine's Day) after all, instead of being merely each others' 'exes', maybe so that she would be shielded from the mayhem. Drunk dude is all like 'well I'm strong.. and you're strong. and I don't want to fight but If that's what YOU want then LET'S FIGHT' and then after a bit more lighthearted banter drunk d00d was trying to give the pissed off guy a HUG (of all things) which, needless to say, didn't go over too well, and a fight REALLY DID start to break out. Then this really really BIG crewcutted guy who had been telling us for the hours before showtime about how he has been going to zillions of concerts beginning with Kiss in 1975 separated the 2 from each other until drunk düde's less drunk friend stepped in and escorted his broe back to the bar or wherever and we were left in peace until ANOTHER drunk asshole started yelling 'turn it up! turn it up!' until he got bounced and then it was time to enjoy the show. Why anyone would want to get DRUNK while seeing the Residents is beyond me. They are like fragile fungi or delicate insects, not meant to be trod upon by stomping drunken dumbasses. Some snide shithead from New Jersey or some other suburb was all huffy and whining about 'well you KNOW you're in Philadelphia when nit nit nit...' but I stopped listening...the show was too cool to waste your time getting pissed off at some pussy who posed no threat.

The show was going along great until I started getting cramps. Now I hadn't eaten all day since I have recently quit smoking pot (it's Day 10!) and food kind of fucks with me nowadays, so I thought I was just very hungry. But it kept getting worse and worse; after 45 minutes my sides were in roaringly splitting pain and I was trying to rub them and massage it away until after another 15-30 minutes I lost the ability to BREATHE! I dropped to my knees so that I could stretch my arms over my head without blocking anyone's view and people around got all worried and scared and I made my way over to the wall where 2 bouncers were almost ready to eject me until they figured out I wasn't fucked up on 'drugs'. I laid down on the floor, wondering if I was having a heart attack, wondering if somehow somebody had dosed me with shitty acid, or poisoned me, listening to probably the same dweeb from new jersey commenting on how 'somebody's freaking out...he looks like a crack head' and I would have laughed if I was able cause I don't know if you've ever seen a picture of me but I'm NOT exactly SKINNY! so I chilled out against the wall for a piece and then stood up and reclaimed my spot, which I noticed was enshrouded in a vile cloud of that horrid powdery particulate 'smoke' from those GOD DAMN SMOKE MACHINES! and then when my lungs started to spasm again I knew why I had had that 'attack'. Now I know firsthand what a real live asthma attack feels like. It's not any fun, folx.

So I quickly went back toward the outside to get some air, but there was another nasty cloud of CIGARETTE smoke there which I was in no mood for so I retreated back inside and stood a safe distance away from the stage to watch the rest of the show, which was a straight up show without the DVD being projected behind the band. I noticed some people I knew who I hadn't seen since halloween were there and it was kind of cool to see them again but I suspect I looked kind of freaked out. Somebody thought I was on acid cause my eyes were all big and dilated. But I wasn't. Imagine how shitty it would have been if I WAS! fuck...

I drove that Snib home to West Philly and then one the way to MY home it was getting late and I had to make a or food. I chose food and went to Tony Luke's, a yummy classic South Philly kinda place full of cheese steaks etc and since I wanted to go easy on the old bod I picked a sandwich a vegetarian guy once told me about known as an 'Uncle Mike' which is a thick tomato saucy mishmash of both sweet and hot peppers, onions, spinach, garlic, stewed tomatoes, and SHARP PROVOLONE CHEESE dumped on a hoagie roll and it totally KICKED ASS and I made me way home with a nice stomachful of yummy food and went to bed.


Yayyyy! It's Residents' Day!!!!
Oh yeah and it's Valentine's Day too. Happy VD to everyone not lucky enough to be seeing the Residents. *scritch scratch*

On another note: I was poking around good ol' last night, and what should I find in the gothsluts section but SOMEONE I KNOW! After I finished getting myself to believe my eyes, I smiled in evil pleasure at my good fortune. It's not every day that you find a picture of someone, not just anyone, but someone who pissed off a friend of yours, posted online and called a 'slut' by PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!!! Then I laughed and laughed, laughter echoing malignantly off the walls, descending throughout the building and wafting into the cold night air outside, interrupting blowjobs in cars and ruining crack smokers' highs in its evil splendor. Yep. Somehow the good folks at found a picture of that Resnail. hehehe. In real life she's a dominatrix, I guess still somewhere in the Philadelphia area. She has a website too. Why is there so much crossover between the 'goth' and 'bdsm' scenes anyway? Must be all the latex.

Life is good. I find a gothslut Resnail one night, and the very next night I get to see the Residents! And I'm right smack in between the 2 nights right now! Who needs a 'valentine' to be happy on VD? Bah Humbug! Love is a score of zero in tennis!!!


You know there's a Bush in office when they're pushing 'ready rocks' the way they are today. This morning I did a bike trip to the store since it was nice (above freezing even) out and the corner dealers were raising quite a ruckus trying to get me to try their wares. I hadn't seen that intense a level of crack salesmanship in YEARS! Coinciding with this, mj is of decreased quality and increased price. This is one of the reasons I'm quitting (day 6 already!). As an extra added bonus, there's fresh graffiti (the ugly scribbly kind, unfortunately) on my building! Things have taken a definite downturn around these here parts. Yay Republicans! Too bad 'crack' isn't my cup of tea. I'm just behind the times, I guess.

Is anyone here old enough to remember when children's stories were creepy, even scary? I remember children's books and even children's TV having a creepy element to them. In the tiny amount of exposure I have to children's media fodder now, I notice this fear element is missing! THAT'S scary, if you think about it. It's part of the dumbing-down of (american, anyway) people. The new generation of kids, sheltered from the concept of fear and creepiness, will waddle to their deaths like dodo birds instead of having a sense of wariness instilled in them from an early age. Just a thought. Maybe I'm completely wrong. I should go read a 'Harry Potter' book or something to see if anything creepy happens in there...

2/10/99 (oops)

Sometimes I like to think my heart is still nice and cold. Sometimes it is! But today I was listening to this song and I very nearly started to cry... what's happening to me??????

One the other hand, increased moodyness can be fun! I giggle a little harder every time I watch this video. Maybe this would clear up exactly what it's all about, if I could read the language...but, ignorant 'ugly american' that I am, I'm shit out of luck.

One more thing: The linked video requires the Shockwave Flash plugin, so if you don't have it, hämta här.

Another more thing: I listened to that same song (above) again a couple of hours later and I started laughing. hoho hehe haha boom boom boy it's great to be crazy ..uh.. yeah.



yeah I know that sounds awkward and clunky, but I am feeling quite awkward and clunky this morning -er, afternoon. I hate how my body turns on me when I quit smoking mj. Yesterday I ate 3 pretzels and had to spend 2 hours sleeping them off after which I woke with a splitting headache and was in a twisted and impatient mood for an additional 3-4 hours. What the hell? It's not anywhere near as bad as last time I tried quitting though. I usually don't crave or even think about getting stoned at this point, and I'm only up to day 5! One theory of mine is that pot numbs my allergies to certain foods. Another theory which I like better is that it's my body withdrawing from mj and after a month or two I'll be able to eat normally (hell, I might even be able to drink COFFEE again someday without my heart feeling 'tired' out of the bargain!). Last night I decided to do a little drinking. Hey, that really worked to numb me out, enough that I smoked half a pack of cigarettes! Now I feel like my body has been burnt from the inside out. What a lightweight I've become! Why, back in the day I used to... well, maybe it'd be better if I didn't tell THOSE stories right now.

Oh yeah CDROMs.. my CD player (not a CDR but one of those old-fashioned read-only ones) has decided to start causing me trouble. It would spit out its tray and then my computer would promptly crash. It was like my computer was sticking out its tongue at me! nyah nyah! All that was missing was the phththphhh!!! This morning I finally got fed up and physically removed the fucker from my computer. It hasn't crashed yet since then... (insert sound of knocking on wood here). Maybe I will bother to get a CDR now after all. I'm supposedly getting a fat refund from the IRS this year! If there's ever a good time to be poor as shit, it's tax time.

I was just saying to someone today that I hadn't heard a peep about what GW Bush was doing as president other than the anti-abortion-funding-across-the-world act he effected to make the religious right tightasses think he's a badass after all. It's not like I've been paying close attention, but you'd think I would've heard about SOMETHING, right? Then, within a half hour, I was surfing around reading peoples' sites I like to read, and on electronic whore (yeah I like to read that site) Jacquie says a bill is being pushed that will enable Bush to legally take a contract out on a foreign leader if he considers them a 'threat' (kind of like ol' Ayatollah Khomeini no?). So he really is up to something. Up to no good, I'd say! It IS kind of funny, pathetic even, that important news (assuming this 'news' is true) sometimes filters down to me through such roundabout routes, but I digress. I wonder how bad things will get before he gets shuffled away in up to 8 years...for once I actually feel threatened by an asshole in office. Where's my bomb proof umbrella??? I still can't find the damn thing!

Speaking of Jacquie, she was actually in a dream of mine last night. No not THAT kind of dream! -or maybe it was. It was a very strange dream. We're talking WEIRD! Have you ever wondered if parameciums get it on? I heard they kind of do, unlike most protozoans. It might seem like I'm digressing yet again, but I'm not -- that's how weird it was. And no I wasn't a paramecium in the dream, I just felt kind of like one. Also featured was lots of brown murkyness, not being able to see or hear but being somewhat telepathic instead, a craggy cliff overlooking the ocean, lines of cystal meth which I was going to do but then I got distracted and forgot about them...very cloudy memory of the dream, all I know is it was no less than a 9 out of 10 on the weird dream scale.

I don't usually dream of 'web' people either. I can recall only one other dream with 'online people' in it, last summer. That was only a 5 or 6 on the aforementioned scale, but it was a fun, exciting dream. We stole a SEPTA regional rail train and went joyriding, and then had to wade through polluted water to escape from the cops in a 'mirror image' Philadelphia where the Delaware river was to the west and west philly was to the east, in a bleak and forbidding toxic dead-earth future. I told her about it back then right after I had the dream so if she reads this she might remember, but I doubt if she will.


To hell with putting the "0" in the "01" to denote the year! Why should I bother? I have over 8 years to continue blowing off that 0 and NO ONE CAN STOP ME HAAAAAA! To make a long story short the tubing hill was tooootally Tubular! It was awesome dude. Rad, even. I took a bunch of pictures but there is still film left in the camera. I now have 3 disposacams with varying amounts of film left within. Since my scanner is actually working again these days, I really ought to finish the damn things up and scan the pictures. There are a bunch of pics I really want to see of an oil refinery at dawn. It was fun taking them. I was spectacularly drunk and after I got home from the party I noticed the sun was creeping up and I felt I MUST drive up 95 a piece and snap me a few shots of that funkyfresh multi colored refinery I always see which always has clouds of chemicaly steam wafting up from it. Also I grabbed a shot or two of a dusty old public school which had been closed down across the expressway. Pretty tough looking place I must say. I have some of the funny signs from around here up already but wait there's MORE which will also go up when I finish the rolls of film.

Oh yeah the long story that was going to be made short: My car really didn't enjoy the trip. I had to stop in a dinky little town known as Mount Airy, Maryland on the way home to get the timing belts (the contraption I drive has TWO of 'em) and another cracky old belt replaced. 60% of the teeth were sheared off of the one belt. No wonder the damn car stopped dead on ol' I-70. Fortunately, the valves did not get dinged up so I was able to drive back after an 8 hour hiatus! I have to do mad work on the front end. One of the CV joints likes to go nooknooknooknooknook every now and then and this is maddening. Plus the front wheels need aligning since they are pigeon toed and the outside edge of the front tires wears down to a silvery metal belt quite quickly if I get out on the open road. Blech! It's still good for short jaunts around town though. I have to start working again to pay for this shit. My old cab driving job is still waiting for me. I want to only work part time for them. 2 or 3 days a week not 5 or 6 like I was. Also someone wants me to do a website for them and they will pay me which makes me feel all warm and tingly inside, but not as much as sex. Soon you will see the tubing pics. If it weren't RAINING LIKE A MOTHERFUCK outside I would take a nice ride up to West Oak Lane and snap me a shot of the Church of Broken Pieces (yes there really is one of those here) to finish out one of my cameras with only one picture left on it. My my I am so dehydrated although not as sluggish as I was the last 4 or 5 days so I should rise and shine. It's nice to not have been drinking yesterday as I have no hangover whatsoever. All I need to do now is quit smoking pot. I have this tiny little crumb of really good weed left and after I smoke it I won't get any more...for a while anyway. Just so you know, the 2nd-to-the-last time I quit I lasted for a year and a half so :P!!! I think I'll save the crumb for tonight and go all day highless. on that note ta ta!


Just thought I'd include this picture Gjen sent of the slope I will slide down tomorrow: it kind of looks like Wickham Park from when I was a kid. hehehe it'll be fuuuun! wheeeee I can't wait! 24 hours from now, there I'll be. I'll try and remember to bring a camera and take a picture from the bottom. I have a feeling it'll look even higher and steeper from that angle. We shall see! Also it looks like the snow on this slope is especially laid out for tubing, and NOT skiing. Not that any of that matters one bit to me.


I have taken a nice long break from updating this page. First, I was working crazy mad hours, we're talking 72 hour weeks here. After a while I opted to take a break from all this and recuperate when what should I be offered just in the nick of time but a chance to do a demo site for a TV show someone is going to pitch to Nickelodeon this spring. I was going to quit smoking pot very soon to prepare for a possible medical study in the spring, but that'll have to wait another lil bit since I got invited to a super splendiferous party at which it would not do not to smoke pot. Did that make sense? This will: It's a 'super bowl party with no tv' in West Virginia which I will go to partly 'cuz there's ski slopes with no skiers on them nearby which we can ride truck inner tubes down and take the ski lift back up the hill and do it all again and take the ski lift up and etc etc and fuck it sounds like a good time huh? No one is going with me though since they would've had to be able to leave for early sun-late mon and all 4 people that I could tolerate to come along are unable to free up their busy schedules on such short notice. Not that I mind terribly; I prefer to act alone. Alone is better for ^almost^ everything. Especially drinking. I came across this page by someone else who prefers to drink alone the other night. It's called How to Forget Life Sucks. As with many cool pages, it's part of a whole cool site, so you might as well check it out while you're there.
A somewhat short of stellar turnout doesn't seem to faze these turnips at a wet-blanket rally celebrating the coronation of king Dubya and the resumption of the patented New World Order Process.
Someone suggested that I should include guinea pig stories from medical studies I have done before. This is a good idea. I just haven't gotten to it because I haven't felt like it and come to think of it I have been kind of busy with this new project and with various other things which come up the way things do. I am going to do this later, but for now I am going to put up this prototype gp story page which contains a few stories cut and pasted from email I sent to the very same person who suggested I should make such a page. As I feel I am making less and less sense, without further ado I will end this transmission.


yea! christmas eve eve eve rocked! It more than paid for the smashed windshield of my car (That's one of the things I didn't tell you about last time...) and was the best night of this season of cabdriving yet! Now I have 3 nights off in a row (!!!!!!!!) since in order to get christmas off I had to take christmas eve eve off too (I was going to take christmas eve off anyway since I don't work on sundays. This means I won't work new years eve either. But I don't mind. Philly is a huge pain in the ass to drive around in on NYeve. If you want to go downtown on NYeve, you're best off taking SEPTA (yes that's what they call mass transit here! And in Latin 'septa' means 'barriers' [plural of 'septum' ey?] which is interesting) and in particular the "subway-surface" and subways so as to avoid the severe to the point of being utterly completely totally moronic traffic jam that encompasses the entire downtown area of Center City. If I were to drive that night , I would suggest to all my fares that were trying to enter the fray to take SEPTA from some not-too-far-from-downtown point and not only save them some money but save me some time (and more money) for myself. You make more money from distance than from time you know. Last year I took NYeve off at the request of the same snib who requested I take christmas off this year and I didn't feel like I missed out on anything. NYeve is a crapshoot. One NYeve I made over $350 and another I got pulled over by some asshole cop for over 3 hrs and didn't make more than $70-80. New Years really means the most to me of all the holidays any more. The whole beginning/ending theme is something that appeals to my nature these last few years. But I digress. Not that I minded of course. My time means a lot more to me now that I'm getting older. Sometimes I wonder how much of my life is wasted waiting at traffic lights. Now that I typed that I see how ridiculous it is. It's a waste of time to wonder how much time you wasted waiting for something you're not even waiting for! You see I am getting really drunk now. I have all this Bacardi 151 left over from last sunday's small party of us drinking egg nogs and I still had egg nog left over even. So now I am drinking it. But my oh .. my hehe I have digressed yet again! But I was merely remembering a time earlier tonight while I was waiting at such a light I was pondering the idea. Is that a waste of time too? I ponder this awhile and then move on to


You see, last night (12/22) at about 10:15 pm, I dropped off a quite attractive youngish black woman with a very heavy bag of laundry (which I of course carried for her being the really nice guy that I am). After I was paid and had got back in the cab, I noticed a bright orange glow from around the other side of the laundromat. How fortunate, was my first thought, to not be blinded by the first nuclear bomb strike! I would get to keep my vision until I was destroyed! 0.9 seconds later I realized it was not bright enough to be a nuclear bomb and proceeded to pull forward toward the rear of the laundromat to get a look at the show around the behind of the building and sure enough there was a bright orange amazing very bright impressive OIL REFINERY FIRE which had just begun to erupt! I got out of the cab and put on a couple more layers since it was like 10ºF (That's -12.2ºC to all you 'ferners' out there in all those unamerican countries like zimbabwe and canada that still use the metric system) to go explore the scenario without the confines of traffic laws. The orange glow was reflected by a large cloud of vapor which rose immediately from the flame. The flame itself was orange and flared sometimes Very Brightly but never with any blue or other colors further spectrumwise than orange-yellow. There was a steady roar coming from the blast, and solar-flare like eruptions would sometimes shoot up into the sky. Occasionally it would get so bright as to make me almost squint.. The skeletal framewwork of one of those oil refinery tanks with the movable top which they build the sides up around (you will know what this is if you have ever visited an oil refinery or even an abandoned oil refinery) Quickly it became noticeable that there were a large enough number of cops immediately deployed on the scene that it would be impossible to get a really more interesting visual perspective than what I had, and as mentioned briefly above, it was GOD DAMN COLD!!! On the way back there was this scared old lady hanging out of her doorway in a blanket. She was a little scared of me until I started talking to her. She was not dressed to be outside, and her house was angled away from the fire, but she could see that something was up cause of all the people coming by and their expressions. I told her the refinery was on fire and she was like 'oh.. the gasoline is on fire? I hope it won't spread here' and I was like 'I doubt it. In fact, I think it won't spread anywhere near here. There are already a whole lot of cops although I haven't seen any fire engines yet. But I'm sure they are coming. Anyway I have to get back to work! see ya!' and I left. As I expected, I saw many fire engines going the other way by me. Later I found out my guess was correct; the fire didn't spread beyond the confines of the refinery and as I was turning in the cab word was all the roads were open around there except for the Passyunk Avenue Bridge. Signing off ~BB

p.s. I just finished the last of the 151 in eggnog and had in mind to go drive and get food *mmm and some cigarettes I'm all out of cigarettes! I even threw away the butts! ad I'm not enough of a smoker to want to dig thru the trash for butts yet)* and then more 151 and more egg nog after I took a piss - and - instead I fell back onto a metal box which (luckily) was positioned so as to have my ass sit right on top of it at which time I was aware enough to roll to the side of the metal cormers of the box Still I took this as to be an omen of driving being a bad idea although I still consider a foot expedition thru the 5ºF (-15ºC) arctic freeze down the block to get cigarettes! I love the convenince of city life!

Now that it's 12 hours later I must say I did not go get any cigarettes, the fire was not in a refinery but in the storage tanks for the gas company and was burning right near a storage tank full of liquefied natural gas! The whole neighborhood (probably including the old lady) was evacuated and as far as I know they are back home now that the fire is out. I went to bed at 9:15 in the morning and slept til 4:30 pm when I woke with a splitting headache and incredible thirst. After water and more sleep, I felt good enough to go eat at the Country Bulemic Buffet where I stuffed myself with all kinds of food. I made the mistake of taking chitlings one trip! They looked like lightly breaded chicken but they tasted like liver. Blech! Very nasty. Other food there was ok. They had this good turkey a la king kind of stuff which was probably the best hangover food there, so I thought. I love sleep. I will now drink some more water and go to sleep again. Probably I will wake at some bizarre hour of the night but that will be ok.


Yes. Finally an event worthy of noting here occurred last night. Actually, there were others, but they weren't funny like this one and I didn't want to sound like I was complaining. So in any event, I was sent to an address on E Passyunk Ave between Christian and Carpenter, with no where to park, so I double-parked and went inside. In the dank recesses of the small, dimly lit bar, my fare-to-be was a 55-year-old drunk motherfucker who kept shouting 'fuck you! fuck you!' at me and a couple of bar workers (bouncers? Nah they were more like stockers or something. maybe off duty bartenders?) as we tried to get him to come out. We pretty much ended up carrying the guy out, and after we splunked him into the cab and the two guys went back inside, the asshole kept sticking his feet out so that I couldn't shut the door! Finally I got the door shut and was trying to get the guy to tell me where he lived. 'Bleerrghererrrghhh' was all he had to say as I began to pull out of the way of the line of cars which had backed up, horns blaring, behind me. Then, to make matters even more complicated, a cop in a car was like 'Don't start the meter! Pull over first!' and after I did they turned on their lights and squeezed up behind me. 2 cops came up to the car demanding my license-insurance-and-registration and I started to give it to them, saying 'Sorry it took so long to get this guy in the cab, but I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I pulled up to this place.' Then they noticed the drunk guy and gave me back my papers wihout even checking first to see if they were in order. 'Put your shit away,' the one cop said, 'we thought you were just being a jerk-off; we didn't know what was going on' and then the other cop is going thru the guy's pockets looking for ID. When the guy started yelling 'hey! hey!' cop 1 shines his flashlight in the guy's face yelling 'This is the Police! This is the Police' at least 2 times until the guy let cop 2 sit him up and sobered up enough to tell him the address, which I heard. Some kid from New Jersey had been goggling at the lurid scene of cops hassling an old guy in a cab and was starting a new traffic jam in the process. As the cops walked away, the one with the light shone it in the kid's face, who winced and grimaced and drove away. Turns out the way he streets are in S Philly I had to go around this big spiralling route to get the guy to his door, which was right around the corner from the bar! I had to walk him to his doorway so he wouldn't fall down on the way, and then the fucker wouldn't pay me, claiming he had no money and saying 'I know what you did!' in a vicious tone. Probably he though _I_ called the cops on him. No matter. I took another, slightly smaller, yet still spiralling route back to the bar where they dumped the fuck on me and made them pay! And you know what? They did. Tipped me kinda nice too! Oh yeah the name of the bar is 'LOW'. What a fun name for a bar! the LOW... Maybe someday when I am really feeling in a bad way I'll hit the LOW, or sink to it, or whatever, and have me a few stiff something-or-anothers and forget that I'm alive for a few hours. I wonder how long until someone opens the 'New LOW'?


25 minutes! I don't have to leave for work for 25 minutes! I didn't think I was going to have this much free time today but I had MORE! 25 minutes plus a little more of not having to be anywhere! Life is better than I remembered.

Whenever you pay a bill it is like a cylinder firing in an internal combustion engine. Each firing turns the machine a little more. Is this good or bad? Like it or not, most everyone if not everyone is part of the machine. Probably you are. If the machine were to fail, you would have to restructure yourself to adapt to the new situation in order to survive. Could do this? Also be aware that no matter how adaptable you are, surely SOMETHING will eventually do you in.

I was listening to WPRB as usual last night in the cab. There was this one DJ who was playing 2 or 3 tracks at a time, usually one talking and one music. Stuff like the rock the vote commercial from 1992 over a long droning one-note 'song' and maybe an endless loop of ducks quacking for good measure. Much better than the usual crap on Philly radio. There was one woman really didn't like it and actually asked me to change the staion to 103.9. So, what the hell, I did. All the way from one side of South Philly to the other this station played 8 commercials back to back. 8! It was really funny! Made me remember the real reason I like to listen to college radio. I left the station on for the whole ride just to see if it was going to play commercials all the way til the end. It did! hehehe. She didn't tip me much, but I was way too amused to care. As she was leaving the cab, I threw in a 'Heh. I forgot how much I hate commercials' before my usual farewell of 'Hey, have a good night!' and just as I was pulling away the station started playing music again. Perfect! Unfortunately. it was typically shitty philly radio. Ick. At least the commercials were funny. OK hehe back to WPRB! quack quack quack quack...


2 days ago on my birthday someone gave me a bumper sticker she got on a road trip for the World's Only Corn Palace which just happens to be in Mitchell, SD. Today or yesterday somebody emailed me 3 identical emails asking me to put a link to his site up. It's actually a really cool site, full of gorey movies. would be the place. This is a vast collection of gory death and accident videos. Animal maulings, castration, all that kind of fun stuff. I put a link to it here and another one here. On a less gnasty note, I just re-found the ULTIMATE South Park episode download site: KENNY EMPIRE!!! It's fuckin' Rökken like Dökken! Pretty much every episode seems to be here. I moved some real heavy shit around yesterday and now my back is way sore. Even ibuprophen hasn't put a dent in the pain, so I decided it was worth a Tylenol 3 back from when I burnt myself last summer. Yes I still have almost ALL of those. I ate one almost an hour ago and my back is still killing me. ow ow ow. Tomorrow night it's back to work; back to the old Grind.

Those guys who had hot linked an image, which I subsequently changed, caught on real quick. Currently there is no image at all. This is a litle upsetting. I am almost sorry. Almost. I wonder what they sound like. I used to like punk rock bands back in the day. I still do in fact. If I had an mpg of these guys I might put it up, or at least hot link it...


Yesterday I decided to spend my birthday winterizing my space. As I was driving back from getting supplies, I couldn't help but notice an enormous cloud of black smoke emanating from right around my neighborhood! Due to differences between the map in my head and the reality of the layout the source moved back and forth, once as far away as New Jersey. Petty's Island, anyway. Soon I noticed it really WAS coming from my neighborhood. After I made sure it wasn't my building, I decided to go sightsee the fire. It was in another big old abandoned factory. Flames were soaring 50' + up over the roof as firemen with pressure hoses blasted the ceiling up the top floor away to get at the underside of the roof's structure. Cops were making everyone move farther and farther back, and this became a bother so I pressed onward to get gas at a certain cheap gas staion as planned. I am now within 1 day's work of winterizing and soon I will be able to relax in heat before this glowing screen without wearing so much as a sweat jacket and without my fingers ever numbing.

Today I noticed someone was hot linking an image from my space. Now I did not create the image, so I don't care about it that way, and they do not get a lot of traffic, so it's not a bandwidth problem either, but it did kind of irk me that they didn't even ask me if I minded when they could just have easily have copied it into THEIR server and used it from there. However, linking an image on your site from someone else's opens you up to a world of potential mischief. Whoever this is has unwittingly given me access to edit a facet of his site! In this case, the background image within a table. Go look what I did! It's kind of funny. I might change it again after this at some point though. Let's see how long it takes for the guy to figure out what's up. hehehe...


I'm leaving today for a couple of days. Last night as I was dozing I thought I would have more to say but for some reason nothing seems worth saying.... I do want to mention the alleyway/entrance to the taxi garage though. It's very picturesque. It looks like it should be the entrance to some kind of Batcave type place. It's paved all in old rickety cobblestone, with large crisscrossing ruts where there are still (usused) trolley tracks. Day by day, abandoned cars often appear and disappear randomly along its twisted course. A dark brick wall with a few big delivery truck doors and a smattering of fading graffiti lines the left side of the route, while the other is bordered by a briar-overgrown chainlink fence around what looks like some kind of junk yard. The briars are dark, almost black, against the winter cold. Occasionally a dog used to run out to greet / growl at / chase your car as you drove in, but last week somebody may have hit the dog as his eye was badly bruised and bleeding a little, and I never saw him chase cars again after that. Around the last bend, shortly before the right side becomes a wall and the left side is open space, the garage comes into view as do several cabs and shells thereof along a small, weed-overgrown earthen berm which marks the boundary of the taxi parking lot along a rather large public parking lot that I have never seen get much use. I suppose they do an ok business when the nearby clubs are open. In any event I must start packing for a quick couple of days in a colder place. I'll return in about 50 hours. Farewell til then!


Wow. What a house of cards Windows is! The only reason I still use the shit is that I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep all my mp3s, movies, etc and access them in Linux. I really ought to switch to that, but this will come later when I get a different physical hard drive. I can't change the partitions on my present one since the whole thing is on giant partion in FAT32 (pretty sneaky MS trick ey?) and I would have to blow the partition and destroy everything on the entire drive in order to create multiple partitions. Anyway what brought all this up is that fact that I've been fighting with my computer for over 24 hours and now just a couple of hours ago I've got everything pretty much normal again. I had a nasty Windows crash which left me only able to use DOS booted from a floppy(!) in which I finally found the registry was as completely corrupt as a 3rd-world style CIA-rigged Florida election and I had to delete the whole windows directory and then reinstall the motherfuck. Of course then I had/have to reinstall everything ELSE so that it shows up in the windows registry. So far so good except for one undisclosed for security reasons thing. Did that make sense? No? Good. Anyway I finally got hold of the right video driver for my video card online. The correct driver was not included on the cheesy disk that came packaged with the video card I purchased at a computer show a couple of years ago (yes my comp is that old) so I had to do what I did once before and seek out the correct driver online. Funny how the old driver was not where I thought I had saved it, or anywhere else findable, for that matter. Now I am no longer stuck in 640x480 16 colors land! And how the taxi thing going? Well let me tell you driving a cab in this stupid town on the weeknights with no (CB) radio sucks a big fat sweaty dick! I will not drive another weeknight without a radio. I told them this and they were actually going to hook me up with a radio last night but I was already all psyched up to take the night off and take care of my baby and get the fucking piece of shit up and running again! So I told them something had come up that I really ought to attend to and they were cool with that and I am going back to work tonight probably still with no radio but who cares? It'll be Friday! I have done weekend nights without even using the radio in the summer no less and still made over $100 a night. So radio or no radio the next 2 nights should be quite lucrative. After that I may not be driving for a while since I am possibly getting a temp computer job and additionally I might hook up with a better car courying company than the garbage outfit I was working for last month. Hey I get paid for my last 2 days there today! Swell! Keep the money coming! Yea! well toodles all since it's now past 4am and I haven't slept yet all last night.


Well. I suppose if I felt the emotion 'pride' any more I would feel inordinately proud of myself. I actually hit on somebody who's my age...In real life, not online... Today, I was doing laundry in a different laundromat than usual when I noticed a beautiful Latina woman was there doing laundry right near where I was. Then I noticed she had 2 kids. Now normally, I don't 'do' kids. I don't even wany any of my own kids, let alone get stuck taking care of somebody else's! But she was just so absolutely gorgeous that I decided to strike up a conversation anyway. She was cool to talk to, and then I noticed she was washing blue uniform type stuff and I figured her for a security guard cause of the lighter blue stripes down the legs of the pants, but she turned out to be a Cop! I hadn't ever noticed the light blue stripe on cops' legs before, but seeing a Philly cop outside of a police car is kind of a rarity (unless you frequent donut establishments). Not that I have anything really against cops, especially after meeting this one. Now what an unrepentant stoner like me would do if he were to find himself involved with a cop is beyond me, but I found the whole idea intriguing nevertheless. We have the same mad too-many-hours 6 days a week work schedule as each other (even with the same day off!) but then she decided to let me in on the fact (or is it a fact?) that she's MARRIED. Fuck! She might have been just trying to get rid of me since she wasn't wearing any ring but it's still belivable what with the kids and the fact that she's just too gorgeous to not be 'taken'. That must be why I usually am attracted to younger women - less of them are already snatched up by some dude. Anyway it was a fun and exciting experience to talk to Marisol and I don't regret anything about it. Except that she turned out to be married. Or at least she said she was. I don't really knw what to believe any more. Not that it matters. I am going to be working 72 hour weeks all winter long so I might as well face the fact that I am going to be little more than a worker bee or a machine and although when I burn out several months from now when I _just_ _can't_ _make_ _myself_ _DO_ _it_ _any_ _more_, theoretically I'll have a nice chunk of money that I didn't have 1 free minute in which to spend, I'll be that much older and harder and more cynical and hateful, as cab driving does to me. I used to have hope that I could break into a more techy line of work but no one seems to want to hire an old tough hard-boiled ex cabdriver to work in their prissy little office world. Makes me hate people all the more already that I am forced to go back to the only work any of you people seem to let me do, something I despise. Something that makes my hate grow ever stronger. I am trying not to think about how horrifyingly dreadful the coming months will be, only that it never seems as bad while I am actually doing it than before when I am anticipating. And it pays a fuck of a lot better than the car courier job I was doing last month too. I may not be posting here or anywhere else as much, but I still will once in a while. Maybe I'll tell some good cab stories when they happen. Maybe I'll get shot in the face and you'll get to see the new 'difigured bnib' cam if I live. Either way, may your life be more enjoyable than mine, for if it isn't, then YOUR LIFE SUCKS!!!


Well well well look who's back! And with a different purpose no less. There is no apparent pretense at being a 17, 19, or 20-year-old girl by the name of Myssie this time. I just hope they get the old video collection back up there. Now that I have DSL, I have the ability to devour the many rare gems I would have loved to have snapped up but couldn't due to my dialup being God Damn Slow and the connection dropping on me ½ to 3/4 of the way thru EVERY FUCKING MOVIE!!! Argh! Death to dialup! Anyway, welcome back, archu, whatever you are...


Ah the wonders a little (well ok, a lot) of cayenne pepper can do! Shortly after I had vomited up the very last of the contents of my stomach, I put about a teaspoon or so into a glass of (cold) water last night and after a mere 10 minutes my nasty case of the flu seemed more like a cold plus tiredness. I did it again this morning except wih about twice as much cayenne. Now I am still sore, mostly from the coughing, although my limbs are sore too. I am producing a lot less mucus today. I am debating whether to go in to work tonight or not. About an hour ago I was all for the idea, but now I am feeling more like another restful night of sleep like last night turned out to be after I stopped coughing. Maybe the endorphines relesed by the body's reaction to cayenne have a cough-suppressant effect, like opiates. I wouldn't have to show up at work for about 5 hours so perhaps I should sleep and see how I feel closer to then.

Oh yeah here's the main reason I was inspired to get this post up: The Tacky Postcard Archive! Now this is some funny shit. I was almost about to send this out to friends of mine who still get to travel a lot, but then I thought why not put it here on this site? Wow. I must really be sick if my brain is farting out this kind of reasoning, but that site is still damn funny so check it out. Myself, I'm just about ready for a nice long nap.


I feel like I've been shirking my duties here. It's been approximately 4 days since I last 'blogged' here. That's the new improved word for it right? 'BLOGGED'. Somehow I have a feeling by spring this word will be scorned as much as the abbreviation 'e/n' is now. E/N is scorned right? Fuck if I know; I don't talk to anybody any more. Lately I've been bedridden. Yesterday and today I went out when I really shouldn't have. I had to get out and deal with the reality of how I am going to pay to exist in this fascist world. Just to EXIST damn it! There doesn't seem to be any way out of that. The closest you can come is to own your own piece of land, but even THEN you have to pay taxes to whatever organized crime syndicate has set up the process for you to 'own' land in the first place. I suppose I could avoid even that by living under a bridge and catching rats for food, but somehow that seems a little too much trouble now that I am bedridden with THE FLU or whatever it is that I have that gives me coughing fits and dizzy spells and sweats and vomiting. If only I hadn't been hop-hopped around by 'the system' maybe I wouldn't be in such an unhealthy state. I could have gotten some rest. But no! Hop Hop Hop! Hop here! Hop there! Gotta apply for a job! gotta go to some damn appointment! Gotta go out and deal with the bills that I'm falling behind on now even as I sweat and shake and puke. Now my sickness has taken a turn for the VERY WORSE. I was supposed to go to work today. First day on a new job, but I had to CALL IN SICK! On the first day! This is not good. Even my own fucking body is against me! I told them maybe I would feel better next week. The guy I talked to 'said' he passed the info along to the owner of the place who said it was all right, but I really don't trust those people. I have had so many bad experiences with employers recently I can't bring myself to trust any of them any more. Is it like that everywhere? Always having to keep one eye looking over your shoulder cause somebody is always trying to fuck you over, especially when you WORK for them? If I weren't so fucking SICK I would drive someplace warm and live in my car all winter. For some strange reason I am NOT suicidal though. Maybe if I was I would have gone to work...

Hey! 2 new people signed my guestbook today! One was Wooden Thomas (no, no, not the train, stupid) and this guy who turned out to have a pretty funny site. Check it out! God damnit check out Wooden Thomas too! And then when you're done, check it out again!

What ever became of the stile project, anyway? One day it occurred to me as I was looking at my own webcam page that Meenk's webcam image is always a broken link! I left it up on my webcam page for days and days, hoping she would get her shit together and repost a pic. She didn't answer an email I send asking her about it. *sigh* She's another one of my old e penpals who doesn't answer me much or at all any more. I guess people figure as long as they never meet you in 'real life' they can be as flaky as they wanna be. Then I figured if she changed it, if anyone knew, it would be stile. So I went to his site. Tried to anyway, but it was GONE. Later the same day I noticed that The Misanthropic Bitch was gone too! What is up? Is 'the rapture' going on or some shit? But fear not, for The Bitch is Back! Didn't some cheesey ass glam metal band do a song by that name in the 80s? hmm. It really wouldn't be that hard to find out. <checks> Oh shit, was I ever off! It was Elton John! Now you know. Actually, Billy Joel and Tina Turner did it too. but WHO DID IT FIRST? Do you care? I don't.


Disneyland/world: Nexus of Evil
Disneyland Disneyworld

Well well I am back from New York. Brooklyn, to be more precise. There was a party there at this place caled R U B U L A D which I had heard of from Wooden Thomas a whole mess o' times. I had never been there before Friday night. I had a pretty good time. It would have been better if I still enjoyed parties, but I made the best of the situation and still, like I said, had a pretty good time. I drank absynthe for the first time ever too. It was sweetened with some kind of licorice flavoring to cover the bitterness of Wormwood. It was very burningly alcoholic and I drank 4 3-ounce shots of the stuff. I was already pretty wasted on beer so I didn't really detect a diffence in the alcohol high. I did detect an extrordinarily vicious hangover the next day, but this can't be blamed solely on the absynthe, of course. I had a lack of access to water at night's end - dehydration is the very worst thing about a hangover. I still feel a little hung over today (Sunday)! But it's very manageable. Just a little bit of extra tiredness and a little muscle soreness. I should eat an ibuprophen. and smoke a bowl. Anyway, I'm off to go do just that. And drink hot cocoa too :)


Hello. I can't seem to think of a name I like for this page. I don't like the old name any more. Is this 'The Page That Must Not Be Named'? Does it even need a name? I spose I'll be cheesey and call it 'untitled document' for now...

Oh yeah I got my car running! Turns out the real problem was a bad ignition coil, but in the process I fixed a few other problems that needed fixing and my car runs better than it has in MONTHS! One good thing about my car breaking down is I always learn something by fixing it. I usually learn many things, actually. But I'm still glad it's not broken down any more.

To drive, or not to drive: that is the question:
Whether 't is nobler in the mind to suffer
Suspension trouble spurned by potholes of outrageous streets,
Or to ride bicycles against a sea of automobiles,
And by opposing teach them? To tow: to salvage:
No more; and by a salvage to say we end
The distributor and the thousand natural shocks
That gasoline is heir to, 't is a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To have an exhaust leak, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there 's the rub:
For in that sleep of carbon monoxide poisoning what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this ignition coil,
Must give us pause: there 's the respect
That makes calamity of so many miles;
For who would bear the rust and torn gaskets of time,
The driver's wrong, the impatient man's rushing,
The pings of bent rods, the light's delay,
The mandatory insurance and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a torn seat cover? who would emission inspections bear,
To growl and curse under a weary drive,
But that the dread of something after towing,
The undiscover'd scrapyard from whose bourn
No car returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to other cars with problems that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make mechanics of us all;
And thus the lazy convenience of dealerships
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of used car dealers,
And enterprises of great scum and treachery
With this regard their customers turn awry,
And go home and fix their damn car.

Many apologies to William Shakespeare =P


I don't give a fuck about LSD

GOD = a giant cell and we are all these tiny little ribosomes and what not, all blurping around doing our thing, never knowing what effect we are having. It must have an effect; if it didn't, we would not bother to do it.


I just shlwapped up yet another blog just a bit ago in jonsnews and THQ got jealous so I'm gonna put *almost* the same update here, cause I'm so fuckin' lazy. Also all you hardcore THQ fans who refuse to look at any other sites whatsoever. Ever. will be able to read what I wrote!

mo' shtuff

Yesterday somebody convinced me I should make an 88x31 banner for Twilight Headquarters so he could stick it on his site so I made one. Here it is! Pretty good first try eh? You can use it too if you want...

Here's a few fun thingies I found in my brisk stroll around the 'net this sunday morn...

...some consumer products that'll make you shout halleluiah!!!

...How would you like to have a this kid? At least you wouldn't have to feed him.

For all you Lovecraftians out there: Does the elder god Cthulu have a website? well, hmmm...maybe so. Here's one thing that should not be. Here's another.

Oh yeah and one final 'deep thought' for the day: If a man speaks in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

So there you have it. I think I write a little differently there. The font is different too! And I made it a different color so you could still read it here. Black on red meat shit brown doesn't really fly too well. I like red meat shit brown though. It's a nice color.


Someone has just asked me if I was interested in doing updates on his site, so I sent him this:

The night before last I was driving down the Schuyllkill Expressway when my car suddenly decided to stop running. I opened the hood to take a look, but it was nothing obvious and since I had no tools or light I knew I wasn't going to be able to fix it. So I started walking down the highway. Very soon a state cop pulled over to ask what I was doing on the expressway on foot and if that was my car back there. He wound up giving me a ride to the next exit. I got to ride in front since there was a prisoner in back. He was a black man, shackled hand and foot, who was being VERY quiet. I figured if I were he I would not want somebody gawking at me or even trying to strike up a conversation in front of the cop so I decided to act like he was not there. As I was getting let out at the A+ I felt bad for the guy and decided to glance at him and he proceeded to give me the most intense look of pure Hate I think I have ever seen! Wow....! He held the look as long as possible as the cop car pulled away. Probably, he was trying to scare me but I was merely amazed. Then I called AAA and used a free tow to get my car home.

I didn't give him any further instructions. I wonder if how he will take that? Maybe he will email me back to clarify. I am not in the mood for clarity now. Clarity is pain today. My mother emailed me today. She always puts option3 on the subject line and I got sick of looking at it and thinking about it so I changed the name to 'kidneys' cause I am pissed and kidneys clean your blood out like I feel I need to happen on a psychic level. So maybe I'll go ahead and change the name to 'psychic kidneys' instead of plain old 'kidneys'. How you like them apples? speaking of apples, you need to download Quicktime to view the movie I linked to down here where is says 'This was pretty funny.' You can get it here.

Last night I was reminded yet again of how this country which I was always raised to believe was a 'free country' (whatever THAT means) is increasingly becoming more and more like Germany circa the Third Reich. It's only a matter of time before the stupid unite and march down the street singing Deutshland Uber Alles or whatever is in vogue, torches in hand, onward to the next book or Jew or witch or 'drug user' burning before going down to the bar to hang with their pals from the KKK and maybe go out for a bonus run burning crosses and 'coon-hunting' mmm mmm nothing like a good lynching, huh? At least they have good beer in Germany though. Not like here.


THQ is very sick. Maybe dying. I have neither the time nor the energy to update much these days. Now that my hits are sinking to a very dangerously low level, I need to readjust and remember that really I am doing this for my own amusement and entertainment, not so much for anyone else's. It is fun to know that someone else stops by now and then though! I seem to be drawing many hits from search engines now, and not from links. I am considering changing servers as I can get 200MB instead of 10MB and pay less than I pay now. This might screw up all the search engine hits. So I'll be back to square one, just me and my 'puter, doing this and that to my site. It's weird looking at the cam page now after I have completely withdrawn from the "social life" of IRC chat. I never even email anyone from there anymore. I think I pushed a few people away out of being depressed, but that's what always happens when you get depressed. Everyone turns their back on you cause you're just no fun any more. Working a stressful job doesn't help either. I am 8 kinds of miserable. I have even withdrawn from people in 'real life' cause I feel bad for them having to see and hear me in my misery. I can feel my car dying underneath me every day, knowing all the while I can't afford to fix it until I get paid (12 days to go)! I might have lost my job though. Once in a great great while they stop calling me and I get nervous that I lost my job. It would probably be a blessing though. Anyway I am content to wait for the beep and let my car rest up a bit. Someone has suggested a way I can tell if there's a vaccuum leak as he guesses the problem is. If that's the only problem All I have to do is change a gasket and I'll be very happy and will start sleeping full nights of sleep again, just like back in the day...


This was pretty funny. Watch it.

My hair is standing straight up! Look!

Now THAT'S some serious ass bedhead dammit!
Are you a racist? Check and see, fool.

Now I gotta go do my day. cya!


Whooo the first full week of car courying draws to a close. I got my first paycheck for only ½ a day of work I did the Wednesday before last. It wasn't as small as I expected. I am feeling more optomistic about the next check, coming in 2 weeks. That one should quench my money drought very nicely. Looks like I'll have to take the week after next off though since I need to be able to pay for gas and there's not enough money to last me through 2 weeks of filling up every day! That's not good. Or is it? I've taken to looking at it as a nice break and a relaxing little vacation coming up.

I got in at around 7 last night after a weird friday the 13th of mad traffic including an overturned truck on City Avenue. There was wood strewn everywhere and the cab was smashed in. That guy's probably dead, I thought, as I finally squeezed through the bottleneck by the wreckage. Guess Friday the 13th wasn't HIS lucky day... I had not gotten much sleep the night before due to some interesting nightmares which woke me at 3:00 a.m. So when I got back I went straight to bed and crashed until about 1:30. There was a party downstairs on the first floor. I dimly heard it going on and was debating whether I should get up and go or stay in bed and try to get more sleep before dawn. At around 3 I heard my housemate Debbie coming in. So I decided to get up. We went down to the party to look for a friend of hers who didn't appear to be there, but after I had a couple of beers I walked into this hidden back room of the party and sure enough there he was. We got Debbie and I decided to mingle with the people who were there. Somebody heard I have a website and was asking me if I wanted to do some free lance work on this site and gave me his brother's card. It's his brother's soon-to-be site, you see. They have a 'launch date' set for 2 weeks from now. Right now it's just their logo and not really anything else. I figure I'll call the guy up or email him later today after I wake up some more.

Also today I need to put new shoes on my rear brakes. I don't know if it was a mistake to tell the guy who gave me the card last night or not, but when he seemed suprised that I wanted to do it myself, I explained that I LIKE to do that kind of stuff and it's true: I believe in knowing how to fix your own car. I feel if you don't know at least a little about fixing them, you really have no business driving one. But now in this day and age everyone is EXPECTED to own a car even though every time it breaks down half of them have to go pay somebody too much money to get it fixed. I extend the same sentiment to owning/repairing computers. I actually didn't even desire to own a computer until I knew how to build one from parts and fix things that went wrong with it. This badboy I use now has lasted me over 2 years but I need to upgrade. Soon, soon.

This morning I was moved to get out and take some pictures of an oil refinery at dawn which I want to use as a backdrop picture on a newly designed main page done in layers. It's about time I taught myself how to do layers. I'll need to get the pics developed and stuck on a CD since my scanner has finally bit it once and for all. There are still more pics to go and I will probably also want to wait until I get my *real* paycheck before I go spending money on something other than food and gas.

I went to the store to get some breakfasty things after the sun was up and discovered my bike was missing! I was kind of pissed cause that meant I would have to plan ahead more carefully since I could not drive to Pep Boys to get something I forgot with my back wheels all taken apart & shit. I performed a futile search all over the first floor hallway just in case somebody had moved it. Nope. So I used the car for the grocery run and on the way out discovered that somebody had left the door unlocked! I locked the fucker as I went out. Upon return, I found my bike right where it was where I left it BEFORE it disappeared and the back door was left wide open! No one was out there either. It was really weird. I still don't get it. I guess someody must have borrowed and returned it, but then WHY LEAVE THE FUCKING DOOR WIDE OPEN??? Like I said, I still don't get it.

Anyway all in all this has been a pretty dry update, but I am in a weird sleep head after a couple of days of very altered sleep scheduling and the surprise (to my body) of alcohol shortly after waking at 1:30 am! I might fall asleep again... it seems like I should grab another hour or two of the sweet zzzz's.


Last night I went over to West Philly and visited Sue Sniblet and Map Dave was there so of course we played cards since Map Dave and that Snib are card playing fiends. Not for money though. Strictly little old lady shit. We played a game called 'wild mouse' and a lot of times they like to play Hearts but we didn't last night. I could take or leave cards but it is something to do while listening to good music and smoking lots of bisc and hanging out with a coupla friends who (like me) don't often feel like going 'out'. Anyways, I forgot how great the Black Sabbath album 'Sabotage' is. It reminded me I should fire up Napster while I still can and snab me some Sabbath. They were always one of my favorite stoner bands.

Also last night I emailed Meenk a couple of times and guess what? She emailed me back! We used to have a nice email exchange going for a while but then she went and fell in Love with some dude from Minnesota so she doesn't email me too much any more. Yes Yes it's a Sad World isn't it? Anyway, among other things she told me about a site of her own she is working on...not meenk at, not meenk at (which by the way does not have a 'meenk' page any more) but meenk at her very own domain. She showed me a jpg of what would be a screen shot of what it looks like at this stage of development. And warned me if I were to register that domain name she would 'boil me in oil'! Now there are a lot of things I would like Meenk to do to me, but one of them is definitely NOT boiling me in oil. And since when does oil boil anyway? Have you ever seen oil boil? I haven't. I've seen it get way fucking hot and just sit there until you throw something in it and then all hell breaks loose. But I wouldn't call it 'boiling'. Some of the water does boil out of whatever it is you chuck in there though (Ouch!! and on THAT note I'll change the subject slightly). I suppose if I told you the domain name she plans to use it would be as bad as registering it myself, so I won't tell you. I will let it slide that it contains one of the myriad names of female genitalia. I was going to tell you which name, but then I slept on it and decided even that would be telling too much. Don't worry; when the site is up I will link to it just for you as soon as I am aware of its existance. That will be all for now.


Another short chapter of THQ history draws to a close. Violet of the Electralux had linked me from a monologue of hers and now it has been rotated back into her archives, which is to say, almost no one will read it! I don't archive anything here, I just add and add to this ridiculously long file. Maybe I should take a hint from all these journal writing types and split this badboy into bite-size chunks. Maybe next weekend. Anyway, thanks to Violet, I enjoyed 2 days of hits almost as heavy as back in the day when archu had me near the top of his/her/its link list. That was sure nice of Violet, seeing as I never did anything for her except send her some email and (hopefully) make her laugh or at least chuckle a bunch of times. Oh yeah and I had had a link to her site for a while before too. And I still do. And I DIDN'T rotate it away into oblivion. hmm... Recently, she has been portraying herself on her site as being well on the way to a nice stay in a psych ward, and now there is a non-violet picture on her cam! Could it be that Violet is not who she seems EITHER (shades of archu!!)? I don't know what to believe anymore. Although just to get by among all a' you 6 billion+ mother fuckers I am forced to ACT like I believe some of the bullshit I am constantly being handed. And of course I still get played for a sucker, just as if I really believe it. I can't fucking win can I? At least when I die, I'll finally be rid of the lot of you!! OOOooOO you rotten ass humans! You Maniacs! You blew it up! God Damn You! God damn you all to hell! But if I saw Violet I would want to hold and comfort her, and kiss away her tears and that big ass bruise on her forehead, but somehow I doubt if she would let me.

Well I think it was 10/5/00 when I wrote this and posted it on the entry page but today it's:

The other day I went into the federal court house at 6th and Market. There was a really sensitive metal detector there. I had to take ALL the change out of my pockets. I had to take off my BELT. Keys of course had to go. Even the metal clip that held the dumb ass ID badge om was too much. Good thing I don't have a lot of fillings! They ran the package thru the xray machine. Bombs for the judge! Cool! here you go! I put my belt back on and walked up the escalator. I like walking up escalators. You are just walking but you are moving faster enough to notice the unusually strong breeze on the skin of your face as you move forward. I opened the door and a stream of lawyers were flowing down the hall. They were all wearing dark grey suits. Every single one of them. Some were wearing suits that were *a little* darker or *a little* lighte but they were all Dark Grey Suits. I merged neatly into the traffic right about in the middle of the column. They reminded me of a sect of priests and priestesses of some dark, manipulative being. It turned out we were all going into the same room! They were going to a different demon than I was though. They formed a long line as I walked past them and around a corner to a small polite in a friendly kind of way man in a cubicle who signed for the envelope and I left envelopeless past the long line of lawyers and on down the skinny hallway into the escalator. This time I couldn't walk down since an old man was standing like a stately walrus in my way so I stood 12 feet behind him not impatiently but in a pleasant haze daze as I rode.
The weirdest cargo yet (to my knowldge) was 2 big boxes of human blood which came from the american red cross at 7th and Spring Garden. That place is a vampire's wet dream as there are rows and rows of boxes filled with plastic bags of blood in strikingly impressive quantities. I guess I knew there was that much blood sitting around outside of bodies in these here parts but it was kind uf freaky to actually see the warehouse style storage facility from which I took two boxes to a hospital.


It's not easy to keep a sense of humor when you're depressed. Worse, trying to force unfelt humor never works for me. I'm better off just saying what's on my mind. At least that way I might inadvertantly be funny sometimes. There are many moods contained on this page so if you want funny there probably is some of that down there all mixed in with everything else. this page has some funny stuff on it too. Damn I almost feel like apologizing for not being funny. That's kind of strange. I don't like. So I won't apologize for I have done nothing wrong! Not to you anyway.
Well. It seems at first blush that being a car courier is more annoying then being a cab driver and doesn't pay as much money. Day 2 went a lot more smoothly than day 1 as I became accustomed to the particular brand of bullshit that goes with this job. I seemed to do a lot better today than yesterday. Maybe I can make this shit work after all. Until a better job comes my way, that is. Still I am stressing out over money and I can't seem to get my mind off this damn merry go round of bills every month. I feel like Prometheus getting my liver ripped out of me every month by some eagle and growing it back, only to have it ripped from me yet again! He had it even worse though. A DAILY liver ripping. EVERY FUCKING DAY! Eat your heart out, Jesus! Or your liver... Still this stress is getting me in a foul depressed kind of mood. I feel it in my solar plexus. Queasy in a sinking kind of way, not quite as physically painful as a kick in the gut
Snib is on the phone. She got her DSL modem in the mail today! I got mine a while ago, but I won't have the DSL line turned on for 12 days yet... It's good that the Snib called. Now I don't feel like somebody punched me in the gut anymore. yeeeyeye the Snib!
I happened to be bored and was looking at the recent referals to this site, and I noticed that (Violet's) Electralux has put a link to here in a post of hers, from the word "annoyed" of all things! Well thanks for the link Violet, even with the weird underhanded twist... I suppose I annoy you. Maybe I'll annoy you some more with an annoying email to thank and annoy you since I'm not assuming you will read this. I do like it when anybody links my site. But this is especially delicious since Violet is now only very nice to look at but she is *slightly psychotic* (or at least wants you to think she is). Now that doesn't make her a bad person. I'm slightly psychotic too! Or at least I think I am (sometimes). What DOES make her a bad person is... nah j/k. Thanks Violet! If you read this thanks for the link! I hope you are feeling better soon. You seem to be taking the change of season a lot harder than I am. I hope you stick around. I would miss you if you got put away in some hospital. But... you would never let that happen, would you?


...ntrol over the site to several minions of the _fat_ Elvis. You know, Elvis: The later years. But I digress. Myssie is now alive and well and under the care of one of Canada's finest psychiatric treatment teams at the prestigous Fred Rogers Institute, where Neil Young kicked heroin for the second time and Nancy Spungen was roommates with Coutney Love's cousin's great-aunt in 1972. But I digress again. 'Myssie' suddenly became flustered and ruffled as her downstairs neighbor kept spraying Raid into all the cracks where the ceiling met the walls. There were a lot of them too. The short fat bastard must have gone through about 35 cans every day. One day he fell off the stepladder and into a soap dish which he had left on the mantle and cut himself badly. He blamed myssie as he sprayed Raid into the wound andmed archu as he screamed this in a grating and raspy voice! This became very important to me for reasons which will be explained later. I thought it was smashing. I proceeded to eat some marvelous amaranth pancakes made from a recipe my mother gave me and god damnit, they were smashing too! Said the monkey in an email while her site was down, "Spank me! Or I will fit myself on the tip of you!" And then he shrieked like only a monkey can! And I got scared. and died. But then I figured it wasn't as 'she' planned as 'she' continued to be fucked up the ass not only by the orderlies in the mental hospital but by the bloodhounds and a certain special someone by the name of Bruce. This seemed not only strange, but strangely fitting, not only to me, but also to former friends of the state and other fans of the real archu. The new #archu chat is on a different path and a different server and has proved to be a real nervous pickle. It floated around briefly in the air like a flatus-filled blimp, sprouting sweet nothings like "Love is a score of zero in tennis," and other assorted nonsequiturs, never being nearly as damaged as it could be, although as stupid, yet somehow much more slippery and whispery and fibrous yet angry as only a monkey can be; fun was not an issue there any more. At first I tried to imagine a world without hope, and it was easy. All I had to do was open my eyes. I wrote this off to the fact that I was depressed. I stopped going in IRC much. Maybe only 116 or 204 times a day I would log onto the accursed servers. It seemed that every time I went in it was the last time I was there and it really got on my nerves to see that kind of twilight zone shit starting to happen again! I had dropped to the point where if anyone said anything I would play some Flipper in my head or some such drivel. Having a cunt never seemed to help; no one responded. I was still kind of depressed so it wasn't easy to punch onward with aplomb. So I would get bored and go do something heinous... Something evil...something delicious! Devine! Bovine! But I won't mention it here. Not for a minute. Soon I slumped off into danger and gave my head a few shakes to keep myself stable and mesmerized. You know you should be married to you. Too many people are in the world these days. And many of them are related to you. Thank for for not reproducing. It's so tiresome when another little screaming assbrat/soon-to-be mean rotten in-my-way human is plopped into this rancid festering world. If I prayed, I would pray that the earth would heal itself and make everyone go sterile. I noticed the thinning of the herd over time and I noted that I felt noticeably happier as the earth cleansed itself of humans. But then I woke up, with a thudding erection. The remaining years were spent all to myself as the same 10, 15 old Myssies who were in multiple java popup windows on the one hand wanted to sing me a sweet luscious song to lull me into a pleasant, satisfying sleep, but on the other hand wanted to monkey around with my universe and then turn into a little pile of ashes. Sideburns came back into style briefly as people became a bunch of 'bitches' they way they do sometimes. Not everyone really cares worth a rat's ass who's worth talking to anymore. Especially me. I didn't come here on line to hang out with a bunch of people. I came here originally to get away from people and entertain myself and afterward I decided to learn some HTML and Java. I should start working on Flash too. Now she had seemed to turn full circle, inside out, upside down, and missing all her friends she carefully fired into the crowd while asskissing the beaver dweebs are all turning on stile boy they recognize just how reality is like soup in that if you drink it really fast when it is too hot, you might burn yourself. But another time, you might not.

meet the new archu

Say it ain't so!
Yep. It really is true. has been usurped by a group of assholes. Apparently Myssie got discouraged and gave up control over the site to several dudes who may or may not have been her friends. I bet they aren't now. I have been losing interest in the site pretty steadily since the last server change (probably this is when the power exchange took place). Things always seemed at least a little fishy after that. 'Myssie' suddenly became cold and standoffish to me. I thought it was something I said in an email while her site was down, but then I figured it wasn't as 'she' continued to be fucked up not only to me but also to other former friends and fans of the real archu. The new #archu chat on a different server proved to never be nearly as much fun as before. At first I wrote this off to the fact that I was depressed. I stopped going in there much. Maybe 2 times a week I would stop thru. It seemed that every time I went in the humor level had dropped another 4 or 5 notches and the last time I was there it had dropped to the point where if anyone said anything it was 'I'm playing some Slayer' or some such inane tripe. Making a joke never seemed to help; no one responded. I was still kind of depressed so it wasn't easy to push onward against this wall of ignoring. So I would get bored quickly and go do something else. Soon 'she' unlinked first hate the mainstream (which is incidentally a very good site you should check out), and then moi! citing that she had 'too many links' and she 'never meant to be a link exchange'. As I noticed the thinning out over time I noted that the remaining links were all to the same 10, 15 e/n 'standards' that all link each other. This was a big change from the old Myssie who on the one hand wanted to get into that clique of sites but on the other hand considered those people a bunch of 'bitches', not even really worth talking to. Now she had seemed to turn full circle, dissing all her friends while asskissing the wannabe-stile set. (incidentally these dweebs are all turning on stile now as they realize just how ridiculous it is to be a crop of wannabe hims and struggle to save face. It nearly makes me respect the guy again). All the while rumors flew that all along archu was really a few guys having fun pretending to be a woman and myssie was nothing more than a 'cover girl' for photos to help tempt in the horny adolescent audience with a mix of teen angst and teen pussy. Over time I noticed other changes: I got banned form the #archu chat channel! Then my IP address was blocked from accessing the site! WTF?? I recently found out that 'DragKing' of hate the mainstream has met a similar fate. Who ARE these assholes and WHAT ARE THEY SO AFRAID OF from myssie's real allies that they are banning IP addresses? I heard that myssie has threatened to sue them for leaving nude pictures of her up on their site and that they have acquiesced and taken them down. I really would like to contact Myssie to find out just what the fuck is going on from her angle. I do have an old email address of hers she used to use when was down which JUST MIGHT still belong to the real Myssie. Then again, she hasn't breathed a word to me since her disappearance. Could be she's in on the 'joke'. Or it could be that she really WAS no more than a poster child. In any case it is disappointing that she has never once bothered to contact me since she left her site behind. Somehow it doesn't seem likely that part of the deal was that she could not contact any of her former fans.


Hmm I really haven't been updating option3 as much anymore. I have been making changes here and there to other pages I had been neglecting whilst focusing on this here Option. Since offering downloadable fucked up movies on your site is all the rage, and has been for some time I might add, I am moved to take up a little of my meager amount of web space to host this highly bnibletty fucked up movie someone sent me today. I really should switch over to these guys someone told me about who have 100 megs of space for what I pay now for 10 (or is it 15?). So as soon as get my ass in gear, there will be 85-90 megs of more space for me to play with, which makes many things possible including an mp3 page I have shunted away to the back burner due to the free hosts not allowing mp3s or else forcing you to subscribe and download their software before you can get my files. 'Fuck that,' said I. 'I'll just put it off indefinitely.' Then I came across these aforementioned guys and now once again it all seems possible.


Wow long time no see huh? it's been 17 DAYS since the last entry here. I have been doing some changes to other parts of the site, but mostly I have been busy money-working and being extra tired for no apparent reason. I suspect the imminant autumnal equinox is to blame. I always need more sleep in the winter. But 10+ hours a day?!?!?! That's pushing ridiculous. I've been kind of depressed too. Kind of. Nothing TOO bad, just that old familiar complete lack of hope which gnaws at the inside and kills dreams and desire. The cold dead comfort of no desire. A little tidbit taste of what part of being dead might feel like. It'll be lovely when it happens, but for now I am still alive, and that's ok too.


That Bud Dwyer mpg I linked to before seems to have been taken down! Here is an animating gif of the 'important' part, brought to you by Brain Pan.


Been a long time. I've been doing other things. Today I helped someone move, for one. I am very tired. Turns out I am not still going to work at the machine shop. No problem really, as I have 2 other much less toxic, and much less intrusive jobs. So, I must say, "cool". Things are working out in their way it seems. The giddy 'high' of summer is passing and instead of slipping into a botomless depression as I had feared it seems that my mental faculties are returning to their old familiar self (selves?) from last fall/winter/early spring, before I had even discovered such sites as the stile project and the myriad of 'e/n' sites which have been popping up before and after it. My personal favorite e/n style site,, is *YYYAAAAAYYY* back up and running after a rather long snafu with her server. SNAFU? Where the hell did they come up with that word? Sounds like something from WWI to me. I still like it though. Heh. this guy seems to think it came from WWII like FUBAR (fucked up beyond all recognition). SNAFU translates into Systems normal, all fucked up. Anyway, I've just been invited to drink some wine. Such are the perils of living with other people. Maybe I don't hate living with people after all...

Archu not only happened to reexist when I got out of the shower but suprise surprise SHE STILL LINKS ME!!! I was SURE she was pissed off at or freaked out by me since she doesn't seem to want to talk to me any more. Maybe she was just mad busy and that's all it was. Maybe she simply overlooked that the link was there and hasn't gotten around to taking it down yet. I hope she is still my friend. I was kind of bummed about what seemed to be happening. Anyway, I'm off to drink wine. See ya!


Effing ham

I used to hitch hike a lot. It's fun. The only trouble is it gets harder and harder to get a ride as you get older. Well, that and the cops. Of course I did meet some psychos too, but they were always cool to me. Anyway, I gave up on it around the age of 30. Hitch hiking was one of the things that made the 20s the 'funnest' decade to live through so far. Sure, the 30s (which I am about 1/3 of the way through) have had their moments, most notably the 2-month trip to Mexico during which I didn't bother to bring a camera and take pictures since it didn't occur to me there was any point in it. Mostly because I didn't have a website yet.

Just outside of Effingham I almost got run over by a truck. I was coming from the west on I-70 (that's the blue east-west road that doesn't have a name in this picture) and I got dropped off on the intersection of I-57. As I was yanking my bag from the car, a truck narrowly mised me by like 6 inches! The airgust almost knocked me back into the car! Anyway I ended up walking down I-70 past the big truck stop. I know hitch hikers are supposed to have good luck in truck stops, but I always did better straight off the road. heh maybe that's cause the prospective rides didn't gest a chance o find out what a fucking weirdo I am before letting me in their car! After passing the stop, the very same truck driver who almost made a roadkill out of me yelled some shit out his window at me that I couldn't understand. He really told me huh? As twilight was descending and I was scanning the roadside for a nice bit of shrubbery to camp behind til dawn, a big pickup truck pulled over to give me a lift! How marvelous! This meant I would be able to continue my journey after dark, which usually was my 'downtime'. Turned out to be a Native American fellow who was on his way to a gathering of some sort in eastern Ohio. Somehow we got on the subject of the 'sundance'. Oh yeah that's right he was just coming from one in South Dakota. It's a grueling ritual involving piercing your chest right thru the muscles with antlers and dancing all day long. For some reason I had got the idea in my head that I should do one. After a while, he let me know that just because I had kept hearing about the sundance all summer in various places from various people it didn't mean I had to do it. As we approached Columbus he mentioned that every time he passed thru there the skyline reminded him of 'space invaders'. Heh it DID kind of look like that! He opted not to take me with him into the east Ohio shindig (maybe because of the aforementioned 'fucking weirdo' thing) and left me less than 20 miles from the West Virginia line at dawn. Nice! That night I was back 'home' in Philthi Philli!

I have been thinking about the 'old' feeling I had yesterday. Maybe that was because of the hangover I had. Today I noticed that as often as not I feel 'young' due to the fact that people 10 years younger than I often like to hang out with me in IRC. Now that I actually typed it, it seems rather lame, but hey, whatever works, works, ey? I was kind of an emotional wreck all around yesterday. I was having this awful guilt attack, thinking I had wronged someone and wanting like hell to make up for it somehow, anyhow. I didn't feel there even WAS a way to make up for it. I felt so helpless and I wished she would say it's all right, but she didn't. Of course she didn't email me back with a 'fuck off' message either, so maybe I was all worried (and still AM a little worried) for nothing.


I have this low sinking feeling deep within me. As if I am awakening from a bad dream into a worse reality. I'm not sure why I feel this way. This whole 'scene' of websites and discussion forums and IRC chat rooms that I have been absorbing and being absorbed by seems to have curdled. I seem to have curdled. A drippy goo of misery congeals in my brain; I contemplate how all the people in the webcam page are like 10 years younger than me, or more. For some reason tonight this strikes me as a bad thing. I know there are people my own age online, but I never wind up in the same circles. What are they doing? I've seen some of what they are doing: Playing Hearts, Spades, and Backgammon. Trying to pick each other up in sexually oriented Yahoo Clubs. Showing off their bodies to each other on Mplayer. All fun things to do depending on your mood, I suppose, Usually I noaside for a nice shrubbery to camp behind til dawn, ever wind up talking to them much. I tend to have little in common with them. Maybe I am only encountering the bottom of the barrel of 30-40 year olds. Maybe I am beneath the bottom of their barrel. Most people who have led the kind of life I have are either dead or locked up or are so out of the loop enough for some other reason that they don't make it online. I seem to be in a state of arrested development, that is to say, I am like a 20 year old in a 33 year old body. Sometimes I feel old. Sometimes I look old. Usually I don't. Someone was really surprised the other day when I told her my age. Yea, she's seen pictures of me. Probably mostly pictures from my cam. Heh. Maybe she was just being polite. I don't like to lie about my age. I don't like to lie. That is one of the biggest differences between me and most people. Anyway right now I feel like I just 'wiped out' and completely lost my train of thought. Tonight I am feeling old, unlike almost the whole entire spring and summer. Could it be from inhaling burning oil at work today? I hope my brain isn't getting damaged by that.

When I was drilling holes in metal today, I had to put a drop of oil on the metal so that the drill wouldn't get too hot. The oil would smoke and it was kind of a good smell. Now I wonder if it's killing me. Or at least brain damaging me. Hopefully this feeling I have is from last night's alcohol consumption. Fortunately this job is only a temporary measure to get me some cash before the computer and printer repair job comes thru later in the month. Maybe I'll still have enough brains left to do that when the time comes. We shall see exactly what is going to happen.


Wow. Awake agaiin. I just crashed, hard, soon after I got home. That job is a pretty melllow job. I like it, for now. It literally is 'drilling holes in metal'. I operated a drill press the whole time I was there. 2 hrs 45 minutes. They didn't get the results back yet from the piss test yet, so I am still unstoned. Tomorrow it'll be nice to not have a hangover when I'm there. They kind of sprung it on me that I could go in today. I'm going back in there at 8:00 tomorrow morning. Hopefully I'll be able to fall asleep again at a semi reasonable hour since I do have to rise and shine at like 7, the same time I stayed up to this morning! That's it for now. I don't think I'll be online much more if at all tonight.


I should just take that last post down. It's just not right. It's 'bad things'. I sound like some kind of ninny. I reread it this morning and I was like Ouch Ouch Ouch I can't believe that was left up all night. All the alcohol I drank last night seems to have regressed my brain back to that of a 13 year old (no offense to any 13-year-olds who might be reading this heh). Damn that doesn't even sound like ME. Some kid must have possessed my ass and written that crap. I DID break my own self-rules about not editing an old post and changed up a couple of things that were REALLY embarassing (effing???PUH-fuckin-LEEEEEZE!) and fixed a mis-link that I had overlooked. And that stile ass kissing crap?!?!?! Cripes! I'll still leave that up to remind me to be careful next time I post under the influence. Wow. So that must be my 'inner child'. Kind of makes me want to slap him around. The little shithead. hah. I need to drink a lot of water. My mouth is all dry and tacky from all the drinking I did, not to mention smoking (tobacco). Here on Day 10 of not smoking pot, I felt the need to smoke SOMETHING. That thick nasty feeling of smoke burning into my lungs that I sometimes crave more than a 'high' drove me to buy a pack of camel unfiltered cigarettes (when I smoke, I SMOKE!). Lots of death in my lungs today. Alcohol numbs you you see and you don't realize just how much damage you are doing until the next day. When you pay. cough cough coughchhhchchhccokk pthooop!. eiiwwww... blechhh.

Good news: While I slept I apparently got a call from that job I piss tested for yesterday. They say I can come in this afternoon if I want. Could thing mean I tested negative? I think I smell 'high times' a-comin' tonight after I get home. Actually I'm not sure I should go with this vicious nastyness that envelopes my being, every cell crying out parched and pained. It's not that bad of a hangover really though. Not like some I've had. Just annoying. I need to get ready and get going and work 3 - 4 hours. First day of work in a loud ass place w/ a mild hangover. ehhh could be worse. Oh Well What the Hell! Here goes...


I have been thinking about things lately. About stile, for one. I have been thinking about how I have resisited linking him due to his being so fuckin' POPULAR and how I distrust and resist the POPULAR even if I, deep in my heart of hearts, like it. Probably this is due to the mistreatment I received from the 'popular' back in the day. so HERE is a link to his phantasmagorical site! More power to you, Jonathen Biderman (if indeed THAT is your name), not that you need it. I was chattin' it up with Jacquie of and she says, and I quote, "stile rocks your world" when he links you. Actually, if stile ever wanted to totally fuck me over, me could link me. I really don't want the headache of paying for mega crazy fuckin' bandwidth and/or having to whore my site out to cheezy advertisers just to stay online. That was the fateful fate of archu who tempted fate and displayed her hot self to stile's ever seeking eye. She claims she will be back by week's end, but I'll believe it when I see it. Click here and click the email link to bug her to hurry up and get her ass in gear to show us more archuness! Still, I am going to add a link to stile on my main page this update, "just 'cause". The whole bla-bla soap opera got me back into his site, and after all, his site introduced me to so many good things on this huge electronic brain that we humans are creating, for better or for worse, on this planet we like to think we are powerful enough to be killing. Old Gaia has been through much worse than we are able to serve up, I'm sure. Things we couldn't even imagine. Things that. if they happened today, would wipe us out like so many ants in a volcanic eruption way before we even knew what hit us. Still I love all y'all. I'm in that good of a mood. Maybe that's because I'm drunk. Other sites that I like which introduce me to extreme coolness online include and to name two. Any more links and you would never come back here haha!

I went to a 'show' tonight. It wasn't quite what I expected. I was expecting something more "rockin'" than what I got. It was a really mellow jazz ensemble. Kind of nice though. One time when they finished a song I didn't want to put down my beer so I did the amputee thing and clapped my forehead! Some girl across the bar who looked bored with her b/f thought that was real funny and mr. b/f got all jealous. I thought THAT was real funny and proceed to laugh and laugh. I didn't bother to talk to her though since my ego had been stoked enough & I didn't need to proceed further. Such is the blessing of being 33 and not having as huge of a sex drive as when you're 16.

I've been thinking about shitty jobs I've had in my life. When you're an ex mental patient, you wind up getting he shittiest jobs. Pot washer in a college. Gas station attendant. Convenience store dude. Taxi driver. Actually, taxi driver is a pretty cool job. The worst job I ever had was when I worked for this place called Mount Restoration which cleaned up after fires, floods, and 'industrial disasters'. Once I cleaned out the inside of a car in which somebody blew his brains out. It was one of those cars with really really DEEP upholstery, you know, the kind with those little buttons that are 3-4" below the surface of the seat. Asshole. His widow wanted to resell the car. Cunt. It smelled kind of like soy burgers. He must have been a vegetarian. Even worse: Working for the same place, we cleaned up a disassembled helicopter which had been shipped to us after some idiot flew it through a cloud of seagulls and they shattered his windshield and turned into a pudding which completely covered every component. Can you say ROTTING FISH SMELL??? Combined with bird digestion enzymes, that was probably the worst smell I ever smelled. The best part was when I found the headset he was wearing. Completely covered except for where his ears/head blocked the bird guts from coating it (on the inside). Hehehehe. Fucking asshole.

8/28/00, later

I really don't know why I wanted to put a pic of a Valujet here. I felt driven to do so for some god damn raisin. There's just something grimly funny about a Valujet.

Somehow I am in a better mood even though I didn't sleep yet. I have updated the Colorado pics and now it looks much more beatiful, not plain like earlier. You can actually see what some of my family looks like. Yes, I do have a family. I don't see or talk to them much anymore, but there they are.


Today I got around to posting the Colorado pics. They didn't come out as well as I had hoped, but I guess they are all right. I left the 5 pages of pictures very plain because I am tired and really want to lay down and take a nap. Probably later tonight or tomorrow I will pretty them up some. It brought back a lot of bad memories to post those pictures. That exhausted me too. I feel beaten down. It was a stressful time that week or so I was out there. Fortunately, I didn't stay 2 weeks like I had planned and got hooked up with a cool job that I would have missed out on had I stayed there. Actually, I started this very option3 page right after I returned! Anyway, I am going to sleep. Maybe I'll wake in a couple of hours to do some decorating to those bland-for-now-pages. Also I may change up some of the captions later cause I don't really like some of them.

Earlier today someone called up and woke me from sleep. He was here to pick up some bags that were stolen from the airport and left on our street. He said he was from Delta but he wasn't wearing a uniform and I didn't see any name tag or ID. If I wasn't half asleep I would have wanted to see some ID from him. The bags had been moved by these movers who were moving a business out of the building. We had to climb over furniture and look for the damn bags. Finally we found them and he took them away. Now this girl Claudia whose bags they were is calling here looking for them. There was nothing in there but clothes and some letters and photos so it's not likely that anyone organized enough to know which airline to say he was from would show up to scam the bags. I can't even remember his name. Claudia called Delta and they said they didn't even have a record of the bags being missing. Now I wish I had just blown of the phone and not even gotten involved with any of this. It's just one more thing to feel bad about. What a piece of shit day this has been, all around. I hate my life. I really shouldn't even bother with people. ever. It always leads to bad things. If only I had not answered the phone...


wow. what a night last night was. In a bad way. I have become Very sensitive to caffeine since quitting weed smoking. I grabbed a cup early in the night to break a 20 so I would have change and either Wawa is putting e in their brew to keep you coming back or it's just caffiene that made me feel orgasmic tendrils of shiver all over my body as I drove around with a big fat smile on my face. I was thinking how lucky I was to feel this way from a god damn cup of coffee and shitty Philly radio actually sounded really good! After about 2 hours I was like 'Wait a minute! What am I so happy about? I've been out here 2 hours and I haven't gotten 1 measly fare the whole fucking time! My personal reality was all melting into itself enough to think of it as not getting any 'hits' for the whole time and for some reason this struck me as so funny that I started laughing giddily. I stopped to get gas and the pump was slow as molasses and I was thinking 'must be on a slow server' huh?? Anyways an hour or 2 after that and I was alternatingly extremely furious and on the verge of tears as I wasted my life driving around the shitty scumpit where I work and live. Then I went out into the suburbs where I discovered my night vision had turned to shit and so had my hearing. Places I was formerly familiar with were completely erased from my memory as if I had had a shock treatment. I kept seeing flashing lights coming from behind meaammade me thik\ I was getting plled over, but when I turned around, there was never a cop. When I went back to the garage I kept looking over my shoulder as I still kept sensing the lights behind me. The dispatcher was pissed off cause I had been bitching about shit on the radio. She probably thinks I was smoking rocks or something. Once I lost a job before due to quitting smoking pot and then getting suspected of drug use. I'm going in tonight and acting like nothing happened but I'm not drinking any coffee. Did I drink coffee today? I feel like I did. But now that I think about it I know I didn't. My eyes feel all knubbly like there's warts all over them. It's really weird. I really don't like it. I can't wait til the piss test is over. Hopefully I won't go full-blown psychotic before then. It would REALLY suck to have that happen and get put away again after all these years.

8/24/00, later

Can you say mood swings? Now I am in a MUCH better mood than earlier. Funny that. I received some email from an e penpal that I hadn't heard from in a while. She turned me on to her site. Click here and check it out. There's all this cool artwork and photography there. And she's nice looking too! I like it when e penpals turn out to be cute. It makes it all the more fun to email them, somehow. I mean, it seems unfair, but it's true. I think I'll link her site on my link bar on the main page after I'm done this post. Damn! I'm posting more than once in the same day! Well yesterday I changed a lot of stuff too, but I didn't post to option3 twice. See what happens when I am unstoned? I am more productive. That must be the real reason why the stuff is illegal. The unstoned are better production units for the work force. That and all the money the legal and prison industries make off it. Not to mention the increased 'black market' price it commands. Somehow I think if it were legal the quality would get watered down so I'm not convinced it would be a good thing. I was sick of 'all in all it's just another brick in the wall' being behind me all the time. Having a cam on your computer kind of makes you notice things like that. As you can see I put something up behind me. Well it's two things. Two of the same thing. I want to make you guess what they are. It's easy if you try. Well later on. I'm off to add that link to the main page and then get something to eat. I am very hungry after all this not eating I've been doing today.


This time around, quitting smoking pot is a lot different than the other times. All the 'good' effects - that is to say, feeling energetic in the morning, feeling more confident and motivated, seem to not be happening. I am detecting a slight improvement in endurance and lung capacity, however. I am also getting all these weird food allergy effects. It seems I am allergic to food. ALL food. Every time I eat, first I pass out and have to sleep it off. Then I awake later with a moderately painful headache and a fuzzy prickly feeling all over my head and face. I am groggy and dizzy. I often feel like I'm going to fall down, but I only did once, and that was first thing in the morning after the one night I drank since quitting. But - that 'drinking' consisted of only 3 beers! Something fishy is going on. Something I don't like. Of course all the 'bad' effects: i.e. misery, mood swings, anger are hitting me full force. I am not planning to keep 'quit' from weed after I don't have to be. Soon, in 1-2 weeks, I will smoke again. Then my life will turn back into an unproductive and tolerable haze. I am doomed. I know this. I am truly
thankful that LIFE ENDS. If I could get rid of the idea that suicide==cowardice I would go for it in a heartbeat. I would pick a way that would leave no body for you people to laugh at and gawk at. I like the idea of finding a (rare) wilderness spot that is not traversed by humans and killing myself there, to be eaten by animals and have my bones carried away. Maybe a jump into a volcano would do the trick. They are even farther from me than a wild place, but I always wanted to see one of those. Here's something for all you people out there who love cats and are in Ohio. violet who never answers email from me is trying to give away a kitten before her evil mouse-loving neighbors have the poor lil keety killed! Since it's far sadder when a cat dies than when a human does, this should not be allowed to happen! I don't live in Ohio. I live like 6 hours from the edge of that state. But - I would go there to get that cat. So - If YOU are any closer to Columbus OH than I you have NO EXCUSE not to email her and take that cat off her hands before it's TOO LATE. Don't let those pesky mouse-lovers put yet another feline to death! Apparently, it's a little all-black kitten who is less than 6 months old. But I have never seen it of course.


Bleh I am so groggy and headachy and out of it... I only drank a -wee lil bit- last night but my alcohol tolerance is so low that I feel like I pounded down a couple of 6packs. I wish I could post something funny this morning but my sense of humor seems to be fried. I feel the need to post something anyway here goes: I was having the coolest dream this morning. Something to do with driving, and webcams, and some asshole from New Jersey with duct tape all over the front of his car who kept trying to drive up embankments. I was in my car with several girls (see I TOLD you it was a cool dream) and just as I was noticing the guy in the duct tape mobile had a jersey plate and was thinking 'heheh, that figures', I awoke to dawn's twilight, having to urinate badly. That's what happens when you drink enough water (and some beer to boot). Anyway, I stood up, proceeded to fall over backwards onto a steep flight of ladder/stairs, thereby knocking over a gallon jug of water which I had to scramble to pick up before it all glug-glug-glugged out and seeped down onto my downstairs neighbor! It seems I snagged it in time but I lost most of the dream in the process. I'm lucky I remember what I do.

I was hanging out in my room all naked a couple of days ago when who should appear to me but the Virgin Mary! She told me don't worry, be happy, and keep drinking plenty of water. She thinks it's funny how the Catholics have been getting people to all but worship her but then said not to bother with the rosary, etc.; a regimen of daily exercise is much healthier and more beneficial to the mind as well as the body. And get plenty of sex. Yes, sex. As much as you possibly can. I had to ask what were her views on abortion, being all connected with the Catholic church and all, and she said her 'official stance' (hhrrmm 'official stance') was she was still against it in spite of massive human overpopulation but she was all for (pre conception) birth control. And she says we humans should really put more effort into space travel and get the fuck off of Earth and colonize other planets. It really annoys her really bad for some reason that we are all still stuck here. And now... the question on everyone's mind: Is she really still a virgin? well... I'll never tell. *wink wink*

Last night that Snib came over and we did a little web cam show in our Residential eyeball shirts for at least 1 person (Gjen!). There was a fur rat in there too but he's back in his cage for this pic. I left this picture up all night and then when I saw it in the morning I was like GOD DAMN do I ever look retarded so I took the shit right down, vain bastard that I am. Snib looks purdy though...dont you think? I would stick a new picture of that fur weasel up here but he's sleeping and I don't want to disturb him.

Today I am planing on going out to take a bunch of pictures of funny things in the city that I have noticed over the past year and thought "hey I should put that on my website" and then never got around to it. This is something I should have done while archu was still up and running so that more of you would find it and probably be more likely to keep coming back even after archu became too popular for her britches and croaked her server. But no! I was too busy smoking boatloads of marijuana to feel like going out and using up film. I miss Myssie and her site. She has kind of a nice psychotic thing going on I love that in a woman. It reminds me of me! Hey here's an idea: Let's all email archu and bitch and moan at her to hurry up and get her site back online. Anyways, soon you will find a gallery of phillipics as well as the old trip to Colorado to visit my mother pix which I promised many moons ago. Ah, motivation! Such are the benefits of not being constantly stoned!


I need to be careful what I write here. You never know who could be watching...

I am going to look into a real 'boring' job today. Drilling holes in pieces of metal! Sounds like fun ey? I'm going to need to get me some earplugs for that one. Anyway I have to finish getting ready and GO!

YES!!!! I have now altered the bnibcam so that I do not use the server on to store the image. Now, if I want to, I can get NAKED - yes, NAKED god dammit! - and no one will delete my account for violating their dumb TOS. Not that I feel all that much like getting naked these days. In case anyone is interested, I'll leave this link here so you can email me and maybe we can arrange something. Sound cool? Anyway I'm glad to have more control over everything. Control is better. Now I could stick any old image I want up here in the cam window, unlike on Spotlife. If I wanted to, I could stick this image up there and say it was me and no one would be the wiser! mooohooohahahahahahaha! How ya like me now? The boring job turns out to require a piss test so I am going to drink a lot of water and not smoke any pot for the 8 days until the test. I haven't smoked any today, so that makes today 'Day 1'. on 'Day 9' the piss test will happen. Doesn't it take 30 days really? That's what I always heard. It seems they are pretty mellow about it so even if I fail I can retake. I am hoping for the fixing printers and computers in atlantic city job anyway, but this will tide me over in case everything doesn't work out the way I would like it to. I am so weirdly motivated now... I'm probably going to be updating a lot more these days since I won't have good old smoke to alleviate boredom. I will be biking a lot more too. I'm going to get in SHAPE dammit!! Soon all y'all will be seeing the new improved hottie version of the Bnab and you'll be BEGGING me to get naked just for you on the cam! hehehe I can't wait....


It's been a long week. A long week of much drinking, much driving, little sleep. After a thurs-fri night 2 day workweek of cabdriving, I went to a family party at my father's house. It is always kind of weird going up there. Everyone else's life is going better worldlywise than mine is, and this is kind of depressing. Sometimes it was kind of funny to see how uptight some relatives have become. I am totally not playing the same game as these people. I showed my site to a bunch of kids and they all seemed to like it. This page especially went over well. I was kind of happy but still I was not into spending the night. I decided to take my beer (well a lot of it anyway) and go home but first rescue my friend TJ from New Jersey and we came here for a few days. And drank more. And visited the Snib several times. One night we went to some of the abandoned piers on the Delaware and watched tugboats shoving barges up the river at night. It was beatiful except for the dumb ass club music audible from wayyyy down the river near the Ben Franklin Bridge. Still this did not matter nearly enough to ruin anything. We ate at Tony Luke's, which is the most South Philadelphian place to eat I am aware of. They have these delicious pork sandwiches with parmesan cheese and spinach...ooOOOOoo thay are fuggin GOOOOOD!!! Me and TJ collaborated and made this page, which is full of pictures of us being drunken fools. Go see! Yesterday it was time to drop TJ off back in the NewJ and I stayed over there. We watched a movie called "Boys Don't Cry" which was kind of good and then I passed out on his couch. I left in the early afternoon and actually got stopped by a cop who said one of my blinkers was out in back but when I checked it was working. He didn't give me a ticket though. I was afraid he was going to search the car. He wondered if I had drugs or weapons aboard. But... since all my papers were in order and I have no criminal record he decided not to fuck with me and let me go to replace the light bulb. There are supposed to be 2 light bulbs that light on each blinker but on one side one of them is out so I suppose he might not have been able to discern it in the daylight with his beady little pig's eyes, or he just plumb wanted to 'check me out'. Pretty creepy huh? Still he was cool enough not to even write a ticket! Amazingly cool! Almost unbelievably so! Maybe it's because I got a short haircut the other day in honor of a job interview. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while and now I'm glad I got one. It was already getting to the point where I had to keep tucking it behind my ears to keep it from annoying me. Also today I went down to Baltimore MD to pick up someone and bring them back here in exchange for..what else? money! All in all it's been a very long week of much driving and much drinking and little sleep as I said before and now I am starting to lose concentration so I had better quit writing here before I say anything I'd regret. b'bye!


I added a webcam portal to my site. Yeah I know, it's rather a 'trendy' thing to have on your site, or at least it was the last time I thought about it. I waited til I came up with a different design than the traditional 9 or 12 pics on a page design before I stuck one here. Check it out. There are only 4 people on it so far including me. More will come later. If you just want to see me (you know you want to), click here.
I've been kind of weirldy semi depressed and not only has this stopped me from adding more cams to the gallery but has also postponed 2 other ideas I have had. To wit: a)an mp3 page! Now that Napster may become a thing of the past rather soon, I have been going on spurts of napstering down mp3s and I have amassed a smallish collection thru my pinhole of a connection. They take a while you know, elsewise I would have amassed a rather LARGISH collection.

Anyway I thought it would be a kind thing to do to provide some of my favorite mp3s for your downloading pleasure. Not only would you get to listen to some kick ass music, you would get to hear just what it is that a bnib listens to when he wants to listen to something.
b)was a brand new idea based on the reason I decided to include violet in the first bunch of webcams. She is the only one I haven't ever been in any kind of contact with of the bunch (except for one email right after I stuck the cam page up, which she has NOT ANSWERED), but she put on a nice show a few nights ago and I saved several pictures. Mostly all of them are tit shots. Now I think it's really not THAT important to show them here so I'm thinking that this idea will not come to see the light of reality, but the mp3s should occur rather soonish. Anyways I am working a slightly altered week so that I am going to be working tonight! I think a nice little nap before I leave will be delicious! Here I go! laterzzzzzzzzzzz...


So.. the republican convention is just about almost over. I switched to a city-based cab company and drove a cab for 3 nights of it. The first night was good.

Tuesday (8/1) I had me a bicycle accident. I was riding along when this woman comes waltzing out from between 2 cars -right- in front of me. I didn't even have time to turn! I let out a yelp and swerved enough to not hit her with the bike and instead body slammed her! Before she fell, I was able to grab hold of her wrist to try and stop her from falling, but the momentum instead pulled me over the handlebars and fortunately I was able to steer the bike away from falling on us with my legs as we sprawled out onto the street. She was yelling at me 'are you out of your mind? people get hit by cars out here every day!' and I was like 'then you should look where you're going!' and we saw that neither of us were hurt so we went our merry ways and I went off to find this juice smoothie place that someone recommended to me. I had a tropical fruit kind of smoothie. It tasted really good but it would have been better with some tequila in it.

Later that night I was drivng a cab. Day 2 of the republican con. I picked up 2 elephant people at the Marriot who wanted to get to the first union center (that new stadium they just built for the phillies to lose in). As I knew that Broad St had just been cleared, I figured the loop around city hall and then straight down Broad would work. Not so... There were many armlinked protesters blockading the street from passage! The two republicans in back were nervously eyeing the dreadlocked tattooed hordes as I looked to see if anyone I knew was around. They weren't. There were woman riot cops! A whole bunch of them even! That's a new one on me. A strangely sexy new one at that! We were pretty much stuck. Fortunately, the cab I was driving had the meter set for the city rate, which counts waiting time faster than the suburban one. Soon some cops started directing everyone to do a big Uie right there at 15th and Market and I swung toward the Vine St expressway explaining that there was no way there was going to be anyone trying to blockade traffic on the expressway using only their bodies. It worked out nice and turned out to be a $15 ride. I got $20. Pretty all right! The original way I had planned would have only snagged me a $7.50 fare and I might have gotten $10.
Later in the night some asshole sideswiped me! Took out my driver's side mirror! No one was hurt but I quickly tired of having to keep sticking my head out the window to see if it was ok to change lanes. I wound up turning the cab in early and they were suspicious it was my fault. It wasn't. That was the beginning of the end.
The next night was far worse. After only 1 hour, the fuel pump went like 15 miles across town from the garage! I thought I just needed a jump and I was asking people if they had jumper cables but no one did. I radioed in that I was stuck and another driver offered to help me out. After 5 or 10 minutes a nice woman with 2 kids offered me a jump! We were taking the cables out of her car when the other driver showed up and got all pissed off that I didn't radio in that I didn't need him to come. It was only maybe 30 seconds after she had shown up so he really didn't lose much time, but still after the jump didn't solve anything, I flipped on the radio and heard that fucker talking shit about me for not radiooing in and the dispatcher was agreeing with him! So were some other drivers. Now that I had made a fresh bunch of enemies it hit me that really I should not work for this company any more. I wound up calling the garage on a pay phone. They were going to send somebody. As I was waiting this -other- other driver from the same company whose cab I noticed in the parking lot after I went to get something to eat came out to get in his cab. We exchanged a few word and then he figured out I was -that- driver and gave me a mean look and immediately left. Very ominous. Then I had to wait for over 2 hours to get a push back by a big black pickup truck withg a big old tire roped onto the front. I decided not to work for them any more. I told the guy that right then too. It all works out: They hate me. I hate them. As they say in AOL: "GOODBYE". Tomorrow night I am going back to Montco to drive weekends only! MUCH more relaxing a schedule if you ask me. And much nicer people to work for.

I wanted to put up some pictures in this post, but I have to get around to reinstalling the glitchy scanner software. It doesn't take that long to do it but It is late(early) and I am tired and maybe the next post I will put up all pictures or mostly pictures anyway. Maybe tomorrw(later today) I will get on it.


Here is something I found today. Yes. THAT smokey the bear. I don't know why, but that struck me as funny. Of course there had to be an official "smokey the bear" site. And what's more, not only can you prevent forest fires, you can prevent coal mine fires as well! But I digress. Actually, I haven't looked at it much yet.

This sure looks like it feels good.

I let the ferret out for a run-around. Not I have to go catch that fur-weasel! OK! got 'im. I just found out his name's Willy. No one calls him that though. I usually call him a catrat or a furweasel. Or You're a little Weasel!!! He likes to get out of his cage. He runs around with his back all up in the air and his fur all on end and does flips. It's funny. Then he runs around throughout all the debris. After a while I have to go catch him. It's not that hard though. He comes to you after a while like a cat would.

Archu is back from camping as of a few days ago. Somehow everything seems a little 'different'. I never see her much in that chat room of hers any more, mostly because I have been sleeping normalish hours. Must come from not drinking and smoking weed constantly like I had been doing before. I was not enjoying being in there and having nothing to say. Being wasted kind of makes me much more boring in a chat room than while chatting sober. I have this weird feeling that something is 'lost' between us like when you are going out with a girl and after a while you start to realize that you don't really like each other like you did at first. Kind of a sad, dreary feeling. What am I saying?! How ridiculous! This is someone I only know from a chat room and a website! She probably never gave a shit about me either way, and if she met me she probably wouldn't like me. (strange...she did link me though. Hey, thanks again, Archu!)

I went on Mplayer yesterday and 'met' a certain woman I'll call 'l.' in there. In kind of a giddy, impulsive frenzy we hit it off really well and decided we should meet and go out to some gay bar in Bridgeport PA where they were having a karaoke night. Sounded like it would possibly be very entertaining. What did happen was we met and went out to eat in a diner which was ok. She is a little 'bigger' than I usually like but she had really really great eyes which were green with rings of brown around the outer irises. InTense Eyes, I must say. Also she was really sweet as in nice, or at least she seemed to be that way while I was there in person. We hung out and talked and even 'made out' as in kissed and felt each other up some (no no no not in the middle of the diner wiseguy!) which was kind of a nice surprise. Anyway we didn't go to the club after trying to hook up with her girlfriend who kept not being anywhere she was supposed to be, and then when l. found out she had to be at work at 6 am this morning we decided to go our seperate ways and remeet tomorrow. We agreed to meet online again and when I got home *presto* she ignored me. Once she said 'hold on I'm helping somebody' but then disconnected without even a b'bye or a 'fuck off' to my face! The nerve of some people! or lack of... She is supposed to get out of work in 2½ hours so I will give her one more try.

Today I was driving to PETCO to get a bag of crickets for puti the snapping turtle who is getting so big he probably weighs more than a large rat! There was this kind of unhealthy looking girl waving me down and my first thought was she was a ho but then she wasn't really acting like one when I came closer and she wanted a ride. She had hurt her leg and she and her girlfriend wanted a ride like half way around the block. I decided what he hell I'll do it. She was all thankful and insisted that I feel her ace bandage to prove she wasn't lying about the leg, and kept saying 3 other people had been real rude to her while she was trying to get a ride (what? rude? in philadelphia? nahhh.) and then she thought I was this guy Joe she knows who has the exact same car as me and looks like a carbon copy of me (lucky dog hehehe) and I was like 'what? there's another orange 1985 Mitsubishi Cordia around here? Cool. I never saw it!' When she was getting ready to get out she wanted my phone number and when was a good time to call. I gave her my number and said call me thursday at 6. I wanted hers but she said she didn't have one. I was like what do you want to call me at 6 thursday night for anyway? and she was like 'I thought we could go out somehere and well if you don't want me to call you then..' and I was like 'Yea Call me' and her and her gf started laughing and the gf was like 'I'll make sure she calls you' a couple of times as the rider w/ the hurt leg is saying 'we'll set something'll be just you and me' and kissed my hand and I was thinking she probably is a prostitute but still it would be cool if she calls but I'm not counting on it.

Hey have you noticed? My standards are getting really low when it comes to what women I will gladly fuck! This means that if you are a woman and you live reasonably close to Philadelphia then chances are I will happily fuck you. I am really good in bed, so I hear. So if you're interested, email me and let's have a whirlwind romance that just might grow into a lasting friendship of some kind. Am I bitter? yep.


Yep. It's 12:16 am so it must be 7/19/00 already.
GOD DAMN it's been a long time since I updated this page. Well, it feels like it anyway! Does anybody really read this? I have been messing with other parts of the site here and there. Most recent update: Earlier tonight I found this malicious javascript someone posted on someone's guestbook. kewl! There is a random window sizer and and random color picker (yayy!) and other goodies in there. The best part is that it is set up to run as soon as you try to read the post! Pretty sneaky, sis! So I decided to add some new meat to the paranoia attack. If you don't have an epileptic seizure a la Pokemon outright, just click on one of those
0's once you are in there and you'll see what I mean. (Don't worry, I decided to be nice and give you a choice as to whether you want to continue *after* you click a 0.

On Sunday me and this guy Rob I work with were hanging out and we decided to go across the Delaware to New Jersey, land of cheap gas and the ability to buy hard alcohol on Sunday, to get the fixins for a pitcher or 3 of margaritas. Damn that is a good drink! I think the secret is to use good ingredients. I noticed when I was at the all ex mental patient poetry reading open mike that I still haven't writ in depth about here yet, they had really good margaritas. They used Cuervo tequila and I didn't notice what Triple Sec they used. I picked Jacquin's which did the trick nicely. Most of that good 'margarita' taste comes from the tequila anyway. Rose's sweetened lime juice was used, but next time I'll go for an unsweetened lime juice instead. Side note: NO NO NO I don't want to say THAT! Here, have another gratuitous link to And if that link doesn't work, click here.


Hey it's 7/11! Oh thank heaven for 7-11, No one keeps you 'revvin' like 7-11 etc. Actually I am drinking a 24 oz cup of 7-11 coffee right now!! 24 oz coffee... watta idea! It's really weak though. I am so out of it. I made the mistake of eating another Tylenol 3 at dawn when I went to bed. Today, my mind is mush. It feels like my head is stuffed with cake. So, I went out and ate a Wendy's triple to ground mice elf and now I'm drinking a lot of coffee so I can be all perky and shit. I am not good at writing email when I am attavit and I want to answer an e pen pal's last transmission without seeming like a complete 'tard. That may be difficult today since right now I AM a virtual 'tard. Maybe I'll be able to pull it off tonight, but probably I'll have to wait til tomorrow.

I took some pictures of my burned arm (day 5) for you to gawk at, before it finishes healing up. Pretty tasty huh? Believe it or not, it doesn't hurt at all any more. You should have seen it yesterday. or I should have thought to take pictures yesterday...

I did a whole bunch of stuff to last night/this morning. Go see if you can find all the things that are different. I don't think he knows about it yet. When he sees it, he's gonna lick it! Mark my würds. Also I found this crazy game somewhere today. One of those things I found by exploring the directory structure in URLs like you can do sometimes when you are not 'forbidden' by Unix permissions. Same way I found this mpg which seems to be a nearly complete alteration of a tv commercial. Looks to me like they stil needed to do something to the soundtrack at the end. You'll hear what I mean if you watch it. I found the mpg at And where did I find the game? THAT is a secret. Hey you can get the game right? So stop yer complaining...


Night's beauty's fade at dawn, and the children of wine are oft disowned in the morning light
Hrrmmm why did I post that? I found it on a site about absinthe experiences. I have never tried absinthe yet. It seems marginally interesting.

Today I spilled boiling water all over my arm! I ran cold water over it for a while and then threw together an ice pack. Later I put aloe on it and after about 2 hours it still hurt really bad and was turning purple so I decided to pay a visit to the hospital down the street. Ahhhhh, living in the city: The ultimate in convenience! My my my I had a second degree burn and they gave me Silver Sulfadiazine ointment which seems to work wonders and 600mg ibuprophens not to mention Tylenol 3 w/ codeine! Good thing I have no history of opiate abuse (and I'm not skinny) or I would have gotten handed the wimpy shit. There is almost *no* pain now even when I touch it! Here is a gratuitous link to

I haven't had any mead today! Every day since sunday I have been drinking mead since that is when it was ready. But today's excitement precluded any drinking I would have done, not to mention how mead would hit me while taking codeine on a zero opiate tolerance! The mead was making me very lazy, lazy enough to neglect posting to this site at all! I did scan a couple of pictures for your pleasure and amusement though:

TJ gave me this refrigerator magnet at the open mic poetry reading of all ex mental patients! Isn't it GREAT?? Oh yeah I had a marvelous time in NY and I never mentioned it here yet :\ I spose I'll tell you all about when I update again later today.

These RDA labels were on Debbie's bottled water. How ridiculous! Surprise surprise there is 0% of the US Recommended Daily Allowance of ANYTHING in water! You still need to drink it though. For real. I think I'll have me a chug right now....

Wow that tylenol3 is some strong stuff. I need to take my leave of this place. Good night...and good luck.


well today's the day. I am off to New York for a couple of days, leaving today @3:30. Cassandra was going to let me stay at her place, but something weird is afoot and I can't stay there any more. Maybe her husband (yes she is married) is jealous or something. Maybe it's the heat wave making everybody crazy. We are still going to go to this open mic thing and hang out and drink beer etc and Debbie and TJ are coming w/ me and at least TJ is going to be around for the duration. Debbie is going to visit her friend who lives on Staten Island.

Last night I went out to get beer and a lot of women seemed to be enjoying the heat. Hot black girls were listening to some of that so called "r&b" across the street from me and one was singing along "let's make loOoOooooOOooOoooOoooove" or something and moving her body sexily. In the bar there were lots of beatiful half naked women and more bad music blaring but it was all good since they were getting into it and being nice to watch. I was lame and didn't try to hit on anyone though; it never seems like the right thing to do any more. Probably that's why I have sex so rarely these days.

Since I won't be staying at Cassandra's I spose I'll try out Candi's. I used to live with Candi when she lived here in Philly. Now I have a key to her apt in Queens and a standing invitation to just show up and hang out, crash, whatever. She works mad hours and is hardly ever home so it would just be me and the cats most likely, until she got home to pass out until the next mad 18 hr day at work. I have never just shown up on her like that yet becasue it seems not 100% cool even though she says it is. What if I pick the exact same night she picks to bring home some guy from work or wherever that she's had her eye on? "Hi Candi here I am....whoops! heh heh heh... see ya!" So I sent her an email at her work but who knows if she'll have any time to read it. I am going to call her when I get into town too. Try to reach her and/or warn her I am probably stopping by. Cassandra and I have some business to attend to tomorrow and I need to stay somewhere tonight. How complicated! Well not THAT complicated...


I am in a much better mood than yesterday. I am getting ready for a short trip to New York. Mostly to visit friends. I finally got the clankly exhaust pipe fixed. I'd been putting it off for at least half a year. There were these 2 loose bolts that were rusted solid in their bad position and I meant to hacksaw them off and replace. But there was not enough room to use the hacksaw or the bolt cutters, even with the jackstands fully extended, so I decided to take it to a muffler shop and have them put it up on a lift and do it for me. Turns out it needed a new gasket too and they only charged me $10. Dirt cheap! That's one of the things I like about this town. My car is amazingly quiet now. It's actually a pleasure to drive.

Last night I drank piss! I didn't mean to though. For the first time ever I was so sleep deprived and spaced out that I left the piss bottle I sometimes use when I'm lazy in the spot where the water should have been. Fortunately it was only that night's offerings so it wasn't *that* bad. As I made my way to the bathroom to rinse out and brush my mouth REALLY WELL, I realized I probably would never taste piss again, so I might as well think about it and remember what it tastes like. And what did it taste like? Meat! I suppose that makes sense since probably a lot of it is tiny bits that formerly were me.


Often I am wanting to die these days. I'm not really depressed or anything; I'm usually kind of detached from it. It's like, "hey look at that! That's me and he wants to die." My favorite suicide fantasy these days is to take a sharp butcher knife and shove it into my heart, where most of the pain is. The downside is that I would probably cut a lung too and it would suck for the last hing I tasted to be the nasty metallic blood taste as I coughed it up from my collapsing lung as a burning sensation swept thruogh my chest as I drowned. I took a knife and held it up to my neck the other night. It was cold and sharp and it felt good. I didn't cut though; I just looked at my face in the miror and hated myself fully and told myself "fuck you...I hate you...I always hated awful no good piece of shit I hope you die" and assorted other sweet nothings that I don't remember. I tapped the reflection in the mirror with the knife tip as I growled at my doomed, waste-of-blood self, punctuating it with neat clicking sounds. I will be so marvelous when I am finally free of this prison of life. I hope there is no afterlife to suffer through after. I want everything to end. If only I could erase myself so completely that no one would even remember that I ever existed! Then I put the knife back to my throat and breathed and was quiet until the hate all dissipated, the way it does. I carefully placed the knife in the sink. Then I smiled and went to sleep.

I am getting a lot more hits now! archu was so very kind as to link me from her site! I'm not exactly sure what makes her like it enough to want to link me but she did and that is a happy event! In fact, there are so many hits from there alone that if you are reading this then chances are you got here from there! Wow thanks for coming to my site and reading the crap that I write here in option3. When I think of how archu linked me, I feel all giddy and delerious and my heart flutters and squishes out extra blood and my brain gets warm and glows dimly yellow-green. It makes me want to hold her close to me until we fall asleep curled up together like a couple of fetuses. I don't think she would like it if I even touched her though and this makes me feel so sad and alone that my eyes are getting wet and lubricated and my vision is blurry with the tearing. I am such an emotional wreck now and am having severe mood swings, but that's what often happens in the summer. I don't hate it though. Not right this minute...


I was dozing just a while ago, treating myself to one of those 15 minute power naps, hands palms-up over/behind my head, dangling off the edge of the bed. After a bit of dreaming, I noticed a soft, small finger was touching mine and I gently closed my thumb and forefinger around it. She placed another finger form from her other hand so I could clasp it too, but just before I touched, the first finger became hard like bone. and when I touched the other finger anyway I got a rather uncomfortable electric JOLT and then the weird part: I COULDN'T WAKE UP!! Also I coudn't let go and all the while was getting constantly zinged! After a time I was able to force myself awake by flailing my dream head back and forth. I'm not so sure if that was a dream. When I woke up I thought it was kind of funny. If I were a ghost I would probably prank people like that too.


as you can see, the paranoia attack is over. Here is your next mission: Go to the site and CLICK ON AS MANY BANNERS AS YOU CAN!!! That's right, I want you to go CLICK CRAZY!!!! Click like you've never clicked before! Click like there's no tomorrow!!! And Why do this you ask?
no reason.

Hell I might even post something else here later tonight... I don't know. The MEAD we were brewing is real good already! Only about 3 weeks more til it's all done! If you want to get drumk on mead, email me and let's see what we can do. Very good champaigne-and-honey taste, happy "wine buzz" with NO SULFATES which translates into 'no headache' & 'no sick feeling'. fucking BAD ASS!!!!


2 nights ago I got sooo wasted on margaritas and beat weed and yummy German bier I thought I should stay in last night. I decided to hang out in the Archu chatroom last night. Archu and co. didn't seem to ever enter, but of course if I had waited longer they might have. I did meet some cool people there. One guy turned me on to this band called the Sediments, who are actually damn good! And I met some guy who is working down in Antarctica and the company he works for sounds like a sweet deal. Might be worth looking into. Anyways, I went ahead and stuck a guestbook on this site so you can leave messages and make me feel all warm and squishy inside. Also tell me what you want me to add to here and to the rest of the site so I can put it up and satisfy your desires. Speaking of satisfying desires, I hear that specially trained naked humans make excellent pets! Right now I am looking to adopt a female. I will take good care of you and feed you and change your water often and give you PLENTY OF LOVE. If you're interested email me.


HA! I am now 98% sure that little Monique IS NOT my daughter!!! I was dicussing my dilemma with a couple of friends when who should call but ROSEMARIE! After a bit of chitchat I quick asked her when was Monique's birthday and.... after like 5 or 6 seconds...... she sez "Tomorrow! uh, June 7th!" and I was like Ha! I was there in late February and no one born 3½ months after they were conceived is going to survive unless they're KITTENS! and even THAT'S pushing it. She tried to play it off like she was fucking around just to see what I would say but sorry hun, your credibility level just dropped to like zero or maybe a little less. I mean COME ON! HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM ANYWAY??? It almost sucks since it would have been cool to have a daughter who was born on my birthday (which is right around where she *should have* been born had she been in there 9 months) and since Rosemarie is kind of hot and was really a lot of fun to have sex with. Also she had the best tasting pussy I ever tasted. Hmmm. maybe I should hook up with her after all! Not that I would be able to trust her as far as I could spit. Sorry, Rosemarie, I don't like LIARS.

She really did have me going for like a day. I was an emotional wreck of mood swings. One minute I would be looking forward to meeting my "daughter" and seeing Rosemarie again and hearing her voice again NOT on the phone. The next I would be all bummed out and wondering how I was going to be able to pull off taking care of a kid. I know I would have figured out something. But now 'O what a relief it is' I don't have to! I should really do something about all those vicious little spermies down there though. I hear vasectomies are free in Texas.

While I was looking for a suitable porn link for that Black Cat image that used to be up there, I came across this. Sheesh! What will they think of next? I must admit I'm intrigued though. I'm checking it out right now.
PS: Eh. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.


wow. what a weird tending toward crappy week it's been. Hits to my site are at an all-time low. I don't think it's EVER been this bad. EVER. Almost No One comes here any more! wow. I have actually gone multiple days at a stretch without a single hit. I got 2 yesterday though. woohoo. I think it's from sending the URL in email to someone I already know. bleh. I went down South to see someone I met online. It was kind of a spur of the moment impulsive decision. She alreay saw what I looked like so that wasn't it. I didn't do anything crazy so THAT wasn't it. Maybe I was right all along in hating mistrusting and avoiding people since they are no friends of mine. There were some little kids there that were pretty cool. One 10 year old girl wanted me to send her the Bud Dwyer mpg. I don't think I am sending it since with the way my luck is these days, I'll wind up getting accused of child molesting if I so much as send a URL. The girl that wanted me to come down pretty much blew me off immediately when I arrived. What a cunt! There was this "Church Fest" the next day where they were playing the most godawful crap music I ever heard. Real painful shit straight out of Satan's jukebox. Real cheesy Countryesque folk music about Jesus and the Bible. If there's any music in Hell, this is it.

I did get some real good fireworks though. They shoot up about 100to 150' in the air and explode in a 10-12' diameter burst! like the classic 4th of July style, only smaller.

And I visited the rest area where I went into a coma in 1986. When I was almost to that rest area there was a marvelous huge THUNDERSTORM that almost caused me to wreck and/or die. I'm still alive. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably a mix. As I was driving along at like 80 admiring the bleak black clouds ahead, the rain started. at first it was pretty hard, but still no big deal but then....wham!!! hailstones and gallon-sized drops pouring out of the sky like crazy! Even at the fast speed, my wipers could not keep up. And the hydroplaning! My tires weren't touching pavement for at least 20 seconds. Red rear lights on trucks loomed ahead, coming closer, as the car wobbled to and fro and hurtled ahead toward doom on the surface of the big puddle that I-40 had become. Eventually the car slowed enough to actually reach the pavement through all the water and I regained control of the vehicle. I pulled over to the side, along with a lot of other people, to wait for my heart to climb back down my throat. Then I pulled back into traffic, going at a rather tame 40 mph and STILL passing everyone. I knew I wanted to see that rest area where I was in a coma, and sure enough, right after the rain had passed behind me, there it was. I went into the can and took me a nice shit and then went back out and detrashed my car. Afterward, I walked up on this big hill where there were picnic tables and found a trail going into some woods. Ahhh I love the woods! I went down the trail and gave myself the most spectacular mind-blowing orgasm I have had in like 3 years! God Damn I almost fell over it was so good! Then I looked down and there was blood all over my hand. I knew it had taken a long time to come but I didn't expect THAT! It was all red and pretty. I walked back to my car with a big smile on my face and drove away feeling extra refreshed. Who needs people anyway? I hate them. They are not my friends.

After a long drive home, making it back at 10:00 am, I crashed. Hard. Real hard. I checked the messages when I woke and who should be on the machine but Rosemarie! Her I met on the island of Curaçao when I went there to see a total eclipse of the sun (I always wanted to see one of those). Anyway, she thinks she HAS MY KID(!) and it's a girl and she's named Monique but I'm not sure a)if it's not really someone ELSE's kid or b)if there really IS a kid at all! It is kind of strange she would wait almost 2 years to tell me about it don't you think? I am getting down toward broke again so I can't fly down to Jamaica where she lives now and see for myself if the kid looks Irish (almost all the white people I saw in Curaçao were Dutch) and/or get a paternity test. Speaking of Irish, I was struck by how much Rosemarie's Jamaican accent was similar to an Irish brougue. But I digress. I was thinking she was probably my kid at first and then my friends Audrey and Sue Snib were saying she was probably trying to scam some money off me and did I even see the kid etc. Now I am all confused. I don't know whether to even hope the kid is mine or not. Right now I'm leaning toward Not. I always thought men who had kids and left them behind were slime and now I find that I might be one! How icky! I hate being me. If she is mine I will take care of her any way I can. If not, then Rosemarie is the slime for trying to scam me! And then I would quickly get a vasectomy.


Well, it's all over folx... the Census training that is. And with it the 60 hour workweek I just had! I don't think I want to work the Census until after my temp job ends at ISI. That's just too many damn hours. In the winter is would be one thing, but in the summer...forget it! Oh yeah I put up all these Earths here as the background. How ya like 'm? Pretty hard to read ey? If you have trouble reading these words, simply select over them with the mouse and read this instruction. Oh ok I'll be nice and make the letters all big and white. happy? How about hot pink? Fuck! yellow? yahyah whatever I'm ending the Earths right HERE.

Ah yes. much easier to read. I hate it when you're trying to read and a whole lot of Earths get in your way. Don't you? They're going to have the Republican Convention in this town this summer. These 2 people I was hanging out with tonight are convinced there are going to be riots. I think it will not become that kind of a big deal. We'll see. "They" ARE stopping all sales of gas masks in the area though. Here is a cool paranoia site for all you consipiracy theorists. I don't go there much any more except to check my eamil. It's a pretty cool site though. I wrote about it when I still liked it a lot on this page. There's a lot of other cool links on there too. Here is another cool link. We're all idiots! Yep. Tonight another great email address came to me. Pretty Great huh? I haven't been this tired in years. Earlier in the week I was sitting in that census class and right near the end when we were fixing to leave all these fluorescent sparks, like 20 or 30 of 'em, came sparkling-buzzing out from around the edges of my vision and then swirled-blew into the center of my visual range, going out severally just like real sparks would. They were a different color though. Kind of an irredescent pinkish bluish, well a little green, some white. It was really cool. I didn't tell anyone about it of course. Today I was reall stressed out as I was leaving the last class. They must have thought I was on Drugs® since I had to redo my D-308 (the form you have to turn in every day to get paid) and then I had to go back and fill in crap I left undone TWICE afterward. I wasn't shaking or anything, but I felt like I should have been. At least in retrospect I did. Maybe it's because I do now. I'm still not shaking though. I did score really high on the test at the end. Highest in the class.. There was this one high school age girl named Nelly who scored almost as high as me. Probably I was all stressy partly due to weird vibes off Lena. I have SO much trouble reading people. I did call her though. A few times. The last time we talked for a while. I was real tired then too. Tonight was the only night we didn't walk to our cars together. I noticed her sort of waitiing at the door and I thought I was done so I started moving that way and she walked out the way she likes to to make me catch up to her in the hall. But I had fucked up the D-308 and I had to wait in line again to get it signed. and then I had to do that 2 more times! At least the line was shorter every time. I figured I would just call when I got home but when I did she didn't pick up. I didn't leave a message, figuring she would be in later, and it would have seemed pushy of me to leave a message for her to find AS SOON AS SHE GOT HOME. Slightly glad for the nudge from Fate, I planned on callling later. Then Eric and Thorn and I all ate at on OK Chinese restaurant known as Kingdom of Vegetarians. It's exceptionally good food if you're in the mood for meatless food. The vegetables are cooked just right: still crispy. Yum! The food there is just ok if you wanted meat. They don't have any! They have "mock" chicken/fish/beef etc. What's the point? Those substitutes are never satisfying. I guess they want to draw in the "meat crowd". I always steer for the honest veg meal there, not the fakin' bacon. I love my meat too; I just eat less of it in the summer. Anyways we wound up going over to cosmic Jackie's and Tim's in S Philly and did not return til very late That movie Harold and Maude was playing. It was a lot different seeing it now than when I was a teenager. This time the acting struck me as funny since it seemed very overdone on purpose. The sets were very well-done over-done too. I liked this one room where a couple of scenes happened. ug I don't feel like explaing what it looked like like I was going to. Needles to say (hey what a great typo! Needles to say! I like it!) we didn't get dropped off by Thorn, in whose car we went, til very late. Lena likes to go to bed early, so I didn't try calling again. She was the only person on the list who was willing to be called by the crew leader tomorrow. Myself,I wanted at least one day off. Then I changed my mind to 2. Maybe then I'll feel like it's not too much trouble to work a couple more 12 hour days; waiting until my web support temp job ends would make it all the more pleasant of an experience. I said to call on Monday. I might tell them Thursday when they call. I wish I weren't scraping the bottom of the money barrel right now. I won't get paid for almost a week! I want to bring Lena flowers or something and take her out somewhere nice. I could just pick a bunch of flowers and go over there. Would she like that I wonder... Maybe if I cooked some food and brought it by, and spoon-fed it to her. Then maybe a relaxing massage...that would be a little overboard for the first time we hung out outside of that class htough right? Still spoon-feeding can be very sexy. I spoon fed one ladyfriend in 1993 a few times. ooooooooo That was ~H~O~T~! Especialy hot since usually we were both naked when we did it. MMMMMMMM! Really the whole low-budget angle is a tough call. Probably it would work on some people. Could go either way with Lena though: She's one of those Responsible People. She set her mind to going to nursing school so that she could buy her own house! Very goal-oriented. Very unlike me. I think she knows I am kind of crazy and that might make me look bad in her eyes but the more I think about it the more I remember things that make me think she likes me anyway. Still she seems very tentative. She has kids too. I have to be careful. haha when we were at Jackie's there was this plastic Merlin wizard guy with a crystal ball thing that was about 8" high. He told a "fortune" at the press of a button. It was effectively a battery operated magic 8 ball. We ended up passing it around. I was thinking I wouldn't bother with it before it was my turn. Then I vaguely thought something along the lines of 'do Lena and I have a future together?', actually more of a visual image of us than the words, and then thoughts of the dreaded opposite were pulled into the mix just before it said "It Is Certain" in a creepy voice. It was kind of funny yet annoying because it didn't matter how certain "IT" was if "I" wasn't certain! Just a plastic toy tho.. heh. heh. ...heh...

Oh yeah another funny thing was at the end of Harold and Maude, that part where the car goes flying off the cliff followed up by that quiet part and the final Cat Stevens song at the end, there was this big Siren playing outside. I don't think anyone else thought it was funny though. Wow I am so tired. Here is another gratuitous link to Go there and SIGN HIS GUESTBOOK! He likes it when you do that. I can't believe I'm still up. Not for long....

God damn I am cheesily in love! Well, infatuated anyway...pathetic!


I think I could be in love. My Self is so so numb I can hardly feel, like a plant that's almost dead that you found in the trash and needs water really bad. Her name is Lena and she's the Most Beautiful One. Maybe I should roll a golden apple at her, but I might start a fight. Inside joke. Well, Discordian joke. Anyway, yesterday at the high school where the Census training is I couldn't help but notice her. She's really good at avoiding eye contact. Really I'm going to have to tell the rest later since I only slept 3 hours last night and worked another 12 today. To make a long story short we talked at the end of the class and it seemed like she liked me, and I wasn't LAME like I always am afraid I am going to be when I talk to girls. We even exchanged phone numbers but I haven't calld her since we are both over worked and over tired for now. Also I am running way low on cash until a week from Friday but still I am thinking it would be fun to call her up and go on a nice romantic walk in the night and not have to spend money I don't have. Who knows what she'd think of that idea though. I wanted to call her when I got home tonight but instead I got into a good conversation with my house mate Debbie and soon it was too late to call. Lena was as beat as I was and she was wanting to go straight to bed. Fuck. I'll call her tomorrow night when I get home especially if she doesn't show up like she thought she might not. There's a cute honey named Marisol who seemed to be flaunting herself at me tonight but I don't feel that weird high school kid way I do with Lena. I WAS lame talking to Lena tonight but it didn't matter cause she was half asleep just like I was and am.

That web design job is really a web support job. Lots of changing links and whatnot using a thing called Dreamweaver which is a pretty good tool. It's missing some things I would include though. It also has a weird habit of throwing in a line of useless code. Like opening a font, bold, italic, and then end the italic, the bold, and the font. This fucks up the page's fitting into the stylesheet that makes the new site have a yellowish left navigation column and a white main body, so I have to seek and destroy it on all the pages. Also today I finally started to make myself learn do do a drop down menu using HTML forms, which I haven't ever goten into for some reason. I was going to make one here right now but I am soooo tired and I feel like I'm going to pass out. maybe later. I hope I didn't write anything real embarrassing. I am so dorky sometimes. But in a cool way I hope.


So you decided to choose option 3 ey? I decided to offer option 3 because I am half sick of the eyes and the noses. I kind of have a love/hate thing going on with them any more. Danielle told me I should have ears. Bruce said I should have dicks.

I chose option 3.

Actually it's kind of a bad time to start a 3rd dimension of the site since I am about to have a life again starting tomorrow. I am starting 2 new jobs! One is a web design gig with the Institue for Scientific Information (cool!) and the other is actualy a paid training for the 2000 US Census (uh, ok) but I keep teling myself the important thing is money whenever I start dreading the 60 hour week I am about to embark on. Maybe I'll wind up updating this some more on the weekends? Who knows? Who cares. No one does yet; no one knows about option 3 but me yet.

Here in option 3 there is more text, less texture. I am not smoking pot these days so my mind is thinking in more words, less pictures. I designed the eyes/noses zones while smoking lots of weed, and some hash when it was around. The noses were designed almost exclusively in a hash state. THC was always my favorite high. Now I want to give my lungs a break and get in shape.

Here is a gratuitous link to

I wanted to share this with you. Click on that and you will see the Pinwheel. Stare at its center for 20 seconds without blinking and then look at some other thing of your choice.

A little while ago I found a popular and trendy site known as The Stile Project which has a massive collection of some of the weirdest porn and all kinds of other shocking/disgusting crap available on this huge electronic brain we are building. I sent him a URL to link to and he used it! I don't know why it made me feel so proud when I noticed. It's not like it's my site or anything. How pathetic. Now I don't care as much. I just looked and he took down the cute lil kitty cat pic he was using to link to it! That was quick. Turns out he stuck the link to a different image. Says he's having bandwidth problems. oooo the curse of popularity. Among other things, he also has a list of "5 worst sites" and one of them belongs to someone by the name of Gywn whose guestbook I signed and wherein I left a link to the above pinwheel. I wanted to share it with visitors to my own page too. That is what finally pushed me over the edge to do this part of the site. Fucking fascinating huh? Actuall her site isn't that bad. I have seen far more horrendous sites by far. Maybe she did something to piss him off. She's kind of hot. Here is a picture of her. She's going to look real good someday. By then I'll have white hair. Life sucks.

I am in no mood to keep typing. Actually I am. Re-acclimating to not being continuously stoned leaves me moodier and more prone to anger. It kind of reminds me of when I went off medication in 1989. I have to change a lot of other things about my diet to pull it off right. One is NOT DRINKING COFFEE!!!!! Coffee is the exact opposite high of pot. Today I drank one very small cup of coffee and GOD DAMN was I ever tweaked! I would have never guessed that caffeine would fuck me up so hard. I was sitting there having chills with my coat wrapped tight around me. I kept thinking I should drink water, but I kept getting distracted before I bothered to get up out of the chair.

The first time I took a break from weed it took 2 months to get thru the mood swings. I like to go for a long bike ride when things get too harsh.

Yesterday I went out in the rain and fixed my car. Last weekend the damn thing wouldn't start! The engine would turn over via the starter but wouldn't really fire up. I didn't want to bother with car repair in the rain, but after a few days I got real sick of waiting. I suspected the fuel wasn't getting to the spark plugs. The first thing I noticed when I opened my car door was A FUCKING CRACK BAG! Some mother fucker was smoking fucking ROCKS in MY CAR! I got rid of the damn bag, cursing. When I popped the hood I was like 'What the Fuck is This shit?' as I saw that the cable had been yanked off of the coil that sends the juice to the distributor! That kind of shit doesn't just happen by itself. That crack smoking motherfucker had gone and sabotaged my damn car! I wonder why he (well, I assume it was a 'he'; I could be wrong) didn't steal the battery or anything... Also he had yanked a couple of spark plug cables while he was at it. It kind of sucked that it was vandalism, but at least it was easy to fix.

Hey it's the 16th anniversary of my admission date into the last long-term mental hosptial I was ever in! I wonder why I remember that.

Curiousity seeker that I am, I have tried every drug that came my way at least once. Now I can barely handle a cup of coffee! Go figure! The only drug I wouldn't do if I had it all to do over again is Ketamine. That stuff crippled my sense of humor and my ability to feel pleasure. Now I feel like I'm starting to get those back, slowly...

Now I need to stop and get ready for bed. I have a LOOOOOOOONG week ahead of me. I hope everything works out.